Sceenplay for Monty Python And The Holy Grail


[This document is archived by Andrew Toppan (elmer@wpi.edu) and is 
available from http://www.wpi.edu/~elmer.  Last modified 11/30/94.]

Please Read This Bit Before Reading The Screenplay:

  This is the official 'Unoffical' Monty Python And The Holy Grail screenplay.
This file contains the script as it was on March 20 1974, before filming took
place.  There are many minor differences from what appears here and what
ended up on the screen.  (i.e. A paraphrased word or two or another
character used a line... But generally in minor lines like 'LOOK!')
This file also contains cut scenes and lines from the film.

  I tried to preserve as much of the screenplay as possible but it isn't
easy to cross out a section and pencil in new dialogue, in ASCII.
Any Scene or dialogue that was crossed out begins with a "|" before it.
Anything Penciled in has a "+", I also put cut information before penciled in.

  What is interesting about a screenplay is to see what they threw out and
what "Catch Phrases" were literally penciled in.  The reason I keyed in
this file was caused by me downloading current transcript going
around internet.  It was an amazing job... I wouldn't want to have attempted
what he did... But it wasn't in a good script format and I didn't like how
direction was written in. Since I HAD the real screenplay I thought...
What the hell!

  After This I plan to key in "Monty Python's Second Film" it is the 1st draft
of the Holy Grail. It is the script that eventually got canabalized into
sketches for the 4th season of Python.  It Is sill quite different and well
worth a read. is anybody interested in it?????

  Oh yes... I will STRESS this fact once more... THIS IS A SCREENPLAY... So
don't yell at me if a line is paraphrased in the film... This is what was
written before filming took place and it is still quite accurate.

Enough of this...

-Grue (09-Aug-92)

P.S. TO AHH:  DON'T YOU KNOW WHO CONNIE BOOTH OR CAROL CLEVELAND IS?!?!?!
AND DON'T YOU KNOW WHAT GRAHAM CHAPMAN SOUNDS LIKE?!?!?! Sorry I just had to
say that... As the complete and total bastard that I am.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-

                                MONTY PYTHON
                             AND THE HOLY GRAIL

       Screenplay by

         JOHN CLEESE
         GRAHAM CHAPMAN
         TERRY GILLIAM
         ERIC IDLE
         TERRY JONES
         MICHAEL PALIN




                                                           FINAL DRAFT 20.3.74
.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
      "MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL"        Reel 1 (1A) Page 1
       00.01 is the first action frame
       which is 391.00 before the first
       Clear Cut, which is Scene 4

        Sc                                   Spot
        No.     Complete DIALOGUE            No.    Start   End   Ftge.
        -------------------------            --------------------------
        1       FADE IN:
        Starts
        00.01   TITLES ON BLACK B.G.

                         PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD
                             in association with
                                MICHAEL WHITE
                                  presents

FADE OUT:
 FADE IN: MUSIC STARTS

                                 MONTY PYTHON
                                     and
                                THE HOLY GRAIL
then:
                      M0nti Pyth0n ik den H0lie Gralen

FADE OUT:
 FADE IN:

                           Written and preformed by:
                             GRAHAM CHAPMAN
                             JOHN CLEESE
                             ERIC IDLE
                             TERRY GILLIAM
                             TERRY JONES
                             MICHAEL PALIN
then:
                           R0tern nik Akten Di
FADE OUT:
 FADE IN:
                                  with
                             CONNIE BOOTH
                             CAROL CLEVELAND
                             NEIL INNES
                             BEE DUFFELL
                             JOHN YOUNG
                             RITA DAVES
then:
                                  Wik
TITLE OUT:
 TITLE IN:
                             Also appearing
                             AVRIL STEWART
                             SALLY KINGHORN
then:
                                Als0 wik
FADE OUT:
 FADE IN:
                           Also also appearing
                 MARK ZYCOON           ELSPETH CAMERON
                 MITSUKO FORSTATER     SALLY JOHNSON
                 SANDY ROSE            ROMILLY SQUIE
                 JONI FLNN             ALISON WALKER
                 LORAINE WARD          ANNA LANSKI
                 SALLY COOMBE          VIVIENNE MACDONALD
                 YVONNE DICK           DAPHNE DARLING
                 FIONA GORDON          GLORIA GRAHAM
                 JUDY LAMS             TRACY SNEDDON
                 SYLVIA TAYLOR         JOYCE POLLNER
                              MARY ALLEN
then:
                            Als0 als0 wik
TITLE OUT:
 TITLE IN:
                Camera Operator       HOWARD ATHERTON
                   Camera Focus       JOHN WELLARD
               Camera Assistant       ROGER PRATT
                    Camera Grip       RAY HALL
         Chargehand Electrician       TERRY HUNT
                       Lighting       TELEFILM LIGHTING SERVICE LTD
                                      ANDREW RICHIE AND SON LTD
                                      TECHNICOLOR
              Rosturm Cameraman       KENT HOUSTON
then:
               Wi n0t trei a h0liday in Sweden thi yer?
TITLE OUT:
 TITLE IN:
                Sound Recordist       GARTH MARSHALL
                    Sound Mixer       HUGH STRAIN
                   Boom Swinger       GODFREY KIRBY
              Sound Maintenance       PHILIP CHUBB
                Sound Assistant       ROBERT DOYLE
                 Dubbing Editor       JOHN FOSTER
              Assistant Editors       JOHN MISTER, NICK GASTER,
                                      ALEXANDER CAMPBELL ASKEW,
                                      BRIAN PEACHEY, DANIELLE KOCHAVI
                  Sound Effects       IAN CRAFFORD
then:
                          See the l0veli lakes
TITLE OUT:
TITLE IN:
                     Continuity       PENNY EYLES
                     Accountant       BRIAN BROCKWELL
           Production Secretary       CHRISTINE WATT
                 Property Buyer       BRIAN WINTERBORN
                Property Master       TOM RAEBURN
                   Property Men       ROY CANNON, CHARLIE TORBETT,
                                      MIKE KENNEDY
                       Catering       RON HELLARD LTD
                       Vehicles       BUDGET RENT-A-CAR
then:
                    The W0nderful teleph0ne system
TITLE OUT:
 TITLE IN:
         Assistant Art Director       PHILIP COWLAM
           Construction Manager       BILL HARMAN
                     Carpenters       NOBBY CLARK, BOB DEVINE
                        Painter       GRAHAM BULLOCK
                     Stagehand        JIM N. SAVERY
                        Rigger        ED SULLIVAN
then:
                  And mani interesting furry animals
 TITLE IN:
TITLE OUT:
                       With special extra thanks to
           Charlie Knode, Brian McNully, John Gledhill, Peter
           Thompson, Sue Cable, Valerie Charlton, Drew Mara,
           Sue Smith, Charlie Coulter, Iain Monaghan, Steve
           Bennell, Bernard Belenger, Alpini McAlpine, Hugh
           Boyle, Dave Taylor, Garry Cooper, Peter Saunders, Less
           Sheppard, Vaughn Millard, Mamish MacInnes, Terry Mosaic,
           Bawn O'Beirne Ranelagh.

           Made entirely on location in Scotland at Doune Castle,
           Castle Stalker, Killin, Glen Coe, Arnhall Castle,
           Braklim falls, Sherroffmiur.

           By Python (Monty) Pictures Ltd., 20, Fitzroy Square,
           London W1 England.
            And completed at Twickenham Film Studios, England.

           Copyright (c) 1974 National Film Trustee Company Lt.
                            All Rights Reserved.
then:
     The producers would like to thank the Forestry Commission
     Doune Admissions Ltd, Keir and Cawdor Estates, Stirling
     University, and the people of Doune for their help in the
     making of this film.

     The Characters and incidents portrayed and the names used
     are fictitious and any similarity to the names, characters,
     or history of any person is entirely accidental and
                            unintentional.

                                  Signed RICHARD M. NIXON

                    Including the majestic m00se
 TITLE IN:
TITLE OUT:
                              Songs
                           NEIL INNIS

                        Additional music
                            DEWOLFE
then:
                 A M00se once bit my sister ...
 TITLE IN:
TITLE OUT:
                        Costume Designer
                          HAZEL PETHING
then:
      No realli!  She was Karving her initals on the m00se
      with the sharpened end of an interspace t00thbrush given
      by Svenge - her brother-in-law - an Oslo dentist and
      star of many Norwegian m0vies: "The H0t Hands of an Oslo
      Dentist", "Fillings of Passion", "The Huge M0lars of Horst
                               Nordfink".
TITLE OUT:
 TITLE IN:
                  We apologise for the fault in the
                subtitles. Those responsible have been
                              sacked.
then:
              Mynd you, m00se bites Kan be pretty nasti ...
TITLE OUT:
 TITLE IN:
              We apologise again for the fault in the subtitles.  Those
              responsible for sacking the people who have just been sacked
                          have been sacked.
FADE OUT:
 FADE IN:
            Production Manager        JULLIAN DOYLE
            Assistant Director        GERRY HARRISON
               Special Effects        JOHN HORTON
                  Choreography
              Fight Director &
             Period Consultant        JOHN WALKER
               Make-up Artists        PEARL RASHBASS, PAM LUKE
                   Photography        JULLIAN DOYLE
          Animation Assistance        LUCINDA COWELL, KATE HEPBURN
              M00se Trained by        TUTTE HERMSGERV0RDENBR0TB0RDA
DISSOLVE TO:
              Lighting Cameraman       TERRY BEDFORD
          Special M00se Effects       OLAF PROT
                 M00se Costumes       SIGGI CHURCHILL
DISSOLVE TO:
                       Designer       ROY SMITH
         M00se Choreographed by       HORST PROT III
        Miss Taylor's M00ses by       HENGST DOUGLAS-HOME
        M00se trained to mix
        concrete and sign com-
        plicated insurance
                       forms by       JURGEN WIGG
DISSOLVE TO:
                         Editor       JOHN HACKNEY
         M00ses' noses wiped by       BJORN IRKESTORM-SLATER WALKER

        Large m00se on the left
        half side of the screen
        in the third scene from
       the end,given a thorough
        grounding in Latin,
        French and "O" Level
                  Geography by       BO BENN

       Suggestive poses for the
             M00se suggested by      VIC ROTTER
                 Antler-care by      LIV THATCHER
TITLE OUT:
 TITLE IN:
             The directors of the firm hired to
             continue the credits after the other
             people had been sacked, with it to
             be known that they have just been
             sacked.

             The credits have been completed
             in an entirely different style at
             great expense and at the last
             minute.
FADE OUT:
         TITLE ON YELLOW B.G
                            Executive Producer
               JOHN GOLDSTONE & "RALPH" The Wonder Llama
TITLE OUT:
 TITLE IN:
                                Producer
                             MARK FORSTARTER

                               Assisted by
                              EARL J. LLAMA
                           MIKE Q. LLAMA III
                                SY LLAMA
                            MERLE Z. LLAMA IX
TITLE OUT:
 TITLE IN:
                              Directed by
                          40 SPECIALLY TRAINED
                        ECUADORIAN MOUNTAIN LLAMAS
                         6 VENEZUELAN RED LLAMAS
                       142 MEXICAN WHOOPING LLAMAS
                        14 NORTH CHILEAN GUANACOS
                      (CLOSELY RELATED TO THE LLAMA)
                          REG LLAMA OF BRIXTON
                          76000 BATTERY LLAMAS
                FROM "LLAMA-FRESH" FARMS LTD. NEAR PARAGUAY
                                   and
                        TERRY GILLIAM AND TERRY JONES
FADE OUT:

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
                       "Monty Python and the Holy Grail"
                         ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1  EXTERIOR - CASTLE WALLS - DAY

   Mist.  Several seconds of it swirling about.  silence
   possibly, atmospheric music.  SUPERIMPOSE "England AD 787".
   after a few more seconds we hear hoofbeats in the distance.
   They come slowly closer.  Then out of the mist comes KING ARTHUR
   followed by a SERVANT who is banging two half coconuts
   together.   ARTHUR raises his hand.

                              ARTHUR
       Whoa there!

   SERVANT makes noises of horses halting, with a flourish.  ARTHUR
   peers through the mist.  CUT TO shot from over his shoulder:
   castle (e.g. Bodium) rising out of the mist.  On the castle
   battlements a SOLDIER is dimly seen.  He peers down.

                               SOLDIER
       Halt!  Who goes there?

                               ARTHUR
       It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle
       of Camelot.  King of all Britons, defeator of the Saxons,
       sovereign of all England!

   Pause.

                               SOLDIER
       Get away!

                               ARTHUR
       I am...  And this my trusty servant, Patsy. We have ridden the
       length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join
       our court at Camelot..  I must speak with your lord and master.

                               SOLDIER
       What?  Ridden on a horse?

                               ARTHUR
       Yes!

                               SOLDIER
       You're using coconuts!

                               ARTHUR
       ...What?

                               SOLDIER
       You've got two empty halves of coconuts and you're banging
       them together.

                               ARTHUR
           (Scornfully)
       So?  We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this
       land, through the kingdom of Mercea.

                               SOLDIER
       Where did you get the coconuts?

                               ARTHUR
       Through ... We found them.

                               SOLDIER
       Found them?  In Mercea.  The coconut's tropical!

                               ARTHUR
       What do you mean?

                               SOLDIER
       Well, this is a temperate zone.

                               ARTHUR
       The swallow may fly south with the sun, or the house martin
       or the plover seek warmer hot lands in winter, yet these are
       not strangers to our land.

                               SOLDIER
       Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

                               ARTHUR
       Not at all.  They could be carried.

                               SOLDIER
       What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

|                               ARTHUR
|       Why not?
|
|                               SOLDIER
|       I'll tell you why not ... because a swallow is about eight
|       inches long and weighs five ounces, and you'd be lucky
|       to find a coconut under a pound.
|

                               ARTHUR
       It could grip it by the husk ...

                               SOLDIER
       It's not a question of where he grips it,  It's a simple
       matter of weight - ratios ...  A five-ounce bird could not
       hold a a one pound coconut.

                               ARTHUR
       Well, it doesn't matter.   Go and tell your master that
       Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.

   A Slight pause.  Swirling mist.  Silence.

                               SOLDIER
       Look! To maintain Velocity, a swallow needs to beat
       its wings four hundred and ninety three times every
       second.   right?

                               ARTHUR
           (irritated)
       Please!

                               SOLDIER
       Am I right?

                               ARTHUR
       I'm not interested.

                               SECOND SOLDIER
           (who has loomed up on the battlements)
       It could be carried by an African swallow!

                               FIRST SOLDIER
       Oh  yes! An African swallow maybe ... but not a European
       swallow. that's my point.

                               SECOND SOLDIER
       Oh yes, I agree there ...

                               ARTHUR
           (losing patience)
       Will you ask your master if he wants to join the Knights
       of Camelot?!

                               FIRST SOLDIER
       But then of course African swallows are non-migratory.

                               SECOND SOLDIER
       Oh yes.

   ARTHUR raises his eyes heavenwards and nods to PATSY.  They turn
   and go off into the mist.

                               FIRST SOLDIER
       So they wouldn't be able to bring a coconut back anyway.

                               SECOND SOLDIER

       Wait a minute! Suppose two swallows carried it together?

                               FIRST SOLDIER
       No, they'd have to have it on a line.

   Stillness.  Silence again.


2  ANIMATION/LIVE ACTION SEQUENCE - DEATH AND DEVASTATION

   CUT TO Terry Gilliam's sequence of Brueghel prints.  Sounds of
   strange medieval music.  Discordant and sparse.  Wailings and
   groanings.  The last picture mixes through into live action.
   BIG CLOSE UP of contorted face upside down.  A leg falls across
   it.  Creaking noise.  The bodies lurch away from CAMERA to
   reveal they are amongst a huge pile of bodies on a swaying cart
   that is lumbering away from CAMERA.  It is pulled by a couple of
   ragged, dirty emaciated WRETCHES.  Behind the cart walks another
   MAN who looks slightly more prosperous, but only on the scale
   of complete and utter impoverishment.  He wears a black hood and
   looks sinister.

                               CART DRIVER
       Bring out your dead!

   We follow the cart through a wretched, impoverished plague-ridden
   village.  A few starved mongrels run about in the mud scavenging.
   In the open doorway of one house perhaps we jug glimpse a pair of
   legs dangling from the ceiling.  In another doorway an OLD WOMAN
   is beating a cat against a wall rather like one does with a mat.
   The cart passes round a dead donkey or cow in the mud.  And a MAN
   tied to a cart is being hammered to death by four NUNS with
   huge mallets.

                               CART DRIVER

       Bring out your dead!

   There are legs stick out of windows and doors.  Two MEN are fighting
   in the mud - covered from head to foot in it.  Another MAN is on his
   hands in knees shovelling mud into his mouth.  We just catch
   sight of a MAN falling into a well.

                               CART DRIVER
       Bring out your dead!

                               LARGE MAN
       Here's one!

                               CART DRIVER
       Ninepence.

                               BODY
       I'm not dead!

                               CART DRIVER
       What?

                               LARGE MAN
       Nothing... There's your ninepence.

                               BODY
       I'm not dead!

                               CART DRIVER
       'Ere.  He says he's not dead.

                               LARGE MAN
       Yes he is.

                               BODY
       I'm not!

                               CART DRIVER
       He isn't.

                               LARGE MAN
       He will be soon. He's very ill.

                               BODY
       I'm getting better!

                               LARGE MAN
       You're not.   You'll be stone dead in a few minutes.

                               CART DRIVER
       I can't take him like this.  It's against regulations.

                               BODY
       I don't want to go on the cart.

                               LARGE MAN
       Don't be such a baby.

                               CART DRIVER
       I can't take him.

                               BODY
       I feel fine.

                               LARGE MAN
       Do me a favour.

                               CART DRIVER
       I can't.

                               LARGE MAN
       Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes.  He won't
       be long.

                               CART DRIVER
       I promised I'd be at the Robinson's.  They've lost nine
       today.

                               LARGE MAN
       When's your next round?

                               CART DRIVER
       Thursday.

                               BODY
       I think I'll go for a walk.

                               LARGE MAN
       You're not fooling anyone you know.
           (to CART DRIVER)
       Isn't there anything you could do?

                               BODY
           (singing unrecognisably)
       I feel happy... I feel happy.

   The CART DRIVER looks at the LARGE MAN for a moment.  Then they both
   do a quick furtive look up and down the street.  The CART DRIVER
   very swiftly brings up a club and hits the OLD MAN. (Out of shot
   but the singing stops after a loud bonk noise.)

                               LARGE MAN
           (handing over the money at last)
       Thanks very much.

                               CART DRIVER
       That's all right.  See you on Thursday.

   They turn ... Suddenly all the village fall to their knees, touching
   forelocks etc.  ARTHUR and PATSY ride into SHOT, slightly nose to
   the air, they ride through without acknowledging anybody.  After
   they pass, the LARGE MAN turns to the CART DRIVER.

                               LARGE MAN
       Who's that then?

                               CART DRIVER
           (Grudgingly)
       I dunno, Must be a king.

                               LARGE MAN
       Why?

                               CART DRIVER
       He hasn't got shit all over him.


3  EXTERIOR - DAY

   ARTHUR and PATSY riding.  They stop and look.  We see a castle in the
   distance, and before it a PEASANT is working away on his knees trying
   to dig up the earth with his bare hands and a twig.  ARTHUR and
   PATSY ride up, and stop before the PEASANT

                               ARTHUR
       Old woman!

                               DENNIS
       Man!

                               ARTHUR
       Man.  I'm sorry.  Old man, What knight live in that castle
       over there?

                               DENNIS
       I'm thirty-seven.

                               ARTHUR
       What?

                               DENNIS:
       I'm thirty-seven ... I'm not old.

                               ARTHUR:
       Well - I can't just say:  "Hey, Man!'

                               DENNIS
       Well you could say: "Dennis"

                               ARTHUR
       I didn't know you were called Dennis.

                               DENNIS
       You didn't bother to find out, did you?

                               ARTHUR
       I've said I'm sorry about the old woman, but from the behind
       you looked ...

                               DENNIS
       What I object to is that you automatically treat me like
       an inferior ...

                               ARTHUR
       Well ... I AM king.

                               DENNIS
       Oh, very nice. King, eh!  I expect you've got a palace and fine
       clothes and courtiers and plenty of food.  And how d'you get that?
       By exploiting the workers! By hanging on to outdated imperialist
       dogma which perpetuates the social and economic differences in our
       society!  If there's EVER going to be any progress ...

   An OLD WOMAN appears.

                               OLD WOMAN
       Dennis! There's some lovely filth down here ...  Oh!
       how d'you do?

                               ARTHUR
       How d'you do, good lady ... I am Arthur, King of the Britons ...
       can you tell me who lives in that castle?

                               OLD WOMAN
       King of the WHO?

                               ARTHUR
       The Britons.

                               OLD WOMAN
       Who are the Britons?

                               ARTHUR
       All of us are ... we are all Britons.

   DENNIS winks at the OLD WOMAN.

       ... and I am your king ....

                               OLD WOMAN
       Ooooh!  I didn't know we had a king.  I thought we were
       an autonomous collective ...

                               DENNIS
       You're fooling yourself.  We're living in a dictatorship,
       A self-perpetuating autocracy in which the working classes ...

                               OLD WOMAN
       There you are, bringing class into it again ...

                               DENNIS
       That's what it's all about ...  If only -

                               ARTHUR
       Please, please good people.  I am in haste.  What knight lives in
       that castle?

                               OLD WOMAN
       No one live there.

                               ARTHUR
       Well, who is your lord?

                               OLD WOMAN
       We don't have a lord.

                               ARTHUR
       What?

                               DENNIS
       I told you,  We're an anarcho-syndicalist commune,  we take
       it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.

                               ARTHUR
       Yes.

                               DENNIS
       ... But all the decision of that officer ...

                               ARTHUR
       Yes, I see.

                               DENNIS
       ... must be approved at a bi-weekly meeting by a simple majority
       in the case of purely internal affairs.

                               ARTHUR
       Be quiet!

                               DENNIS
       ... but a two-thirds majority ...

                               ARTHUR
       Be quiet!  I order you to shut up.

                               OLD WOMAN
       Order, eh -- who does he think he is?

                               ARTHUR
       I am your king!

                               OLD WOMAN
       Well, I didn't vote for you.

                               ARTHUR
       You don't vote for kings.

                               OLD WOMAN
       Well, how did you become king, then?

                               ARTHUR
       The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite,
       held Excalibur aloft from the bosom of the water to signify by
       Divine Providence ...  that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur ...
       That is why I am your king!
|
|                              OLD WOMAN
|      Is Frank in?  He'd be able to deal with this one.
|
                               DENNIS
       Look,  strange women lying on their backs in ponds handing out
       swords ... that's no basis for a system of government.  Supreme
       executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from
       some farcical aquatic ceremony.

                               ARTHUR
       Be quiet!

                               DENNIS
       You can't expect to wield supreme executive power
       just 'cause some watery tart threw a sword at you!

                               ARTHUR
       Shut up!

                               DENNIS
       I mean, if I went around saying I was an Emperor because some
       moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, people would
       put me away!

                               ARTHUR
           (Grabbing him by the collar)
       Shut up, will you. Shut up!

                               DENNIS
       Ah! NOW ... we see the violence inherent in the system.

                               ARTHUR
       Shut up!

   PEOPLE (i.e. other PEASANTS) are appearing and watching.

                               DENNIS
           (calling)
       Come and see the violence inherent in the system.
       Help, help, I'm being repressed!

                               ARTHUR
           (aware that people are now coming out and watching)
       Bloody peasant!
           (pushes DENNIS over into mud and prepares to ride off)

                               DENNIS
       Oh, Did you hear that!  What a give-away.

                               ARTHUR
       Come on, patsy.

   They ride off.

                               DENNIS
           (in the background as we PULL OUT)
       did you see him repressing me, then?  That's what I've
       been on about ...


4  EXTERIOR - FOREST - DAY

   MIX THROUGH to ARTHUR and PATSY riding through the forest.  They pass rune
   stones.  We TRACK with them.  CLOSE-UPS of their faces as they ride.
   MIX to another TRACKING SHOT of them riding through the forest.  They
   come to a clearing and stop, looking ahead intently. Their eyes light up.

   Sound FX of fight.

   CUT TO their eyeline.  A clearing on the other side of which is a rough
   wooden foot-bridge across a stream.   At the start of the bridge a
   tremendous fight is going on.  A huge BLACK KNIGHT in black armour, his
   face totally masked in a visor, is fighting a slightly smaller KNIGHT in
   green armour.  (Perhaps the GREEN KNIGHT's armour is identical to the
   BLACK KNIGHT's save for the colour.)

   CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY.  They watch, growing more impressed
   as they watch the fight.

   CUT BACK TO the fight.  The GREEN KNIGHT lunges at the BLACK KNIGHT, who
   avoids the blow with a skillful side-step and parry, knocking the sword
   out of the GREEN KNIGHT's hand.

   CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY even more impressed.

   CUT BACK TO the fight.  The GREEN KNIGHT has drawn out a particularly nasty
   mace or spiked ball and chain, much longer than the BLACK KNIGHT's sword.

   ARTHUR narrows his eyes, wondering whether the BLACK KNIGHT will survive.

   CUT BACK to the fight. The GREEN KNIGHT swings at the BLACK KNIGHT, who
   ducks under the first swing, leaps over the second and starts to close
   on the GREEN KNIGHT.

   CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and PATSY watching like a tennis match. Sound FX of the
   fight reaching a climax.  Four almighty clangs.  Then Silence.

   CUT BACK to see the GREEN KNIGHT stretched out.  The BLACK KNIGHT
   sheathes his sword.

   ARTHUR looks at PATSY.  Nods and they move forward.

   CUT BACK TO the BLACK KNIGHT picking up the GREEN KNIGHT above his head
   and hurling him into the river.  ARTHUR and PATSY approach him.

                               ARTHUR
       You fight with the strength of many men, Sir knight.

|                              BLACK KNIGHT
|      Who dares to challenge the Black Knight?
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      I do not challenge you.

   The BLACK KNIGHT stares impassively and says nothing.

                               ARTHUR
       I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

   Hint of a pause as he waits for a reaction which dosn't come. ARTHUR is
   only slightly thrown.

       ... I seek the bravest and the finest knights in all
       the world to join me in my court at Camelot ...

   The BLACK KNIGHT remains silent

                               ARTHUR
       You have proved yourself worthy. ... Will you join me?

   Silence.

|                              ARTHUR
|      A man of your strength and skill would be the chief of all
|      my knights ...
|
|                              BLACK KNIGHT
|      Never.
|
                               ARTHUR
       You make me sad.  But so be it.  Come Patsy.

   As he moves, the BLACK KNIGHT bars the way.

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       None shall pass.

                               ARTHUR
       What?

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       None shall pass.

                               ARTHUR
       I have no quarrel with you, brave Sir knight, but I must
       cross this bridge.

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       Then you shall die.

                               ARTHUR
       I command you, as King of the Britons to stand aside.

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       I move for no man.

                               ARTHUR
       So be it!

   ARTHUR draws his sword and approaches the BLACK KNIGHT.  A furious fight
   now starts lasting about fifteen seconds at which point ARTHUR delivers
   a mighty blow which completely severs the BLACK KNIGHT's left arm at
   the shoulder.  ARTHUR steps back triumphantly.

                               ARTHUR
       Now stand aside worthy adversary.

                               BLACK KNIGHT
           (Glancing at his shoulder)
       'Tis but a scratch.

                               ARTHUR
       A scratch?  Your arm's off.

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       No, it isn't.

                               ARTHUR
           (Pointing to the arm on ground)
       Well, what's that then?

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       I've had worse.

                               ARTHUR
       You're a liar.

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       Come on you pansy!

   Another ten seconds furious fighting till ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHTS's
   other arm off, also at the shoulder.  The arm plus sword, lies on the groun
d.
                               ARTHUR
       Victory is mine.
           (sinking to his knees)
       I thank thee O Lord that in thy ...

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       Come on then.

                               ARTHUR
       What?

   He kicks ARTHUR hard on the side of the helmet.  ARTHUR gets up still
   holding his sword.  The BLACK KNIGHT comes after him kicking.

                               ARTHUR
       You are indeed brave Sir knight, but the fight is mine.

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       Had enough?

                               ARTHUR
       You stupid bastard.  You havn't got any arms left.

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       Course I have.

                               ARTHUR
       Look!

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       What!  Just a flesh wound.
           (kicks ARTHUR)

                               ARTHUR
       Stop that.

                               BLACK KNIGHT
           (kicking him)
       Had enough ... ?

                               ARTHUR
       I'll have your leg.

   He is kicked.

       Right!

   The BLACK KNIGHT kicks him again and ARTHUR chops his leg off.
   The BLACK KNIGHT keeps his balance with difficulty.

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       I'll do you for that.

                               ARTHUR
       You'll what ... ?

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       Come Here.

                               ARTHUR
       What are you going to do. bleed on me?

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       I'm invincible!

                               ARTHUR
       You're a looney.

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       The Black Knight always triumphs. Have at you!

   ARTHUR takes his last leg off.  The BLACK KNIGHT's body lands upright.

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       All right, we'll call it a draw.

                               ARTHUR
       Come, Patsy.

   ARTHUR and PATSY start to cross the bridge.

                               BLACK KNIGHT
       Running away eh?  You yellow bastard, Come back here and take
       what's coming to you.  I'll bite your legs off!


5  EXTERIOR - DAY

   A village.  Sound of chanting of Latin canon, punctuated by short, sharp
   cracks.  It comes nearer.  We see it is a line of MONKS ala SEVENTH SEAL
   flagellation scene, chanting and banging themselves on the foreheads with
   wooden boards.  They pass a group of villagers who are dragging a beautiful
   YOUNG WOMAN dressed as a witch through the streets.  They drag her to a
   strange house/ruin standing on a hill outside the village.  A
   strange-looking knight stands outside, SIR BEDEVERE.

                               FIRST VILLAGER
       We have found a witch.  May we burn her?

                               ALL
       A Witch! Burn her!

                               BEDEVERE
       How do you know she is a witch?

                               ALL
       She looks like one. Yes, she does.

                               BEDEVERE
       Bring her forward.

   They bring her forward - a beautiful YOUNG GIRL (MISS ISLINGTON) dressed up
   as a witch.

                               WITCH
       I am not a witch.  I am not a witch.

                               BEDEVERE
       But you are dressed as one.

                               WITCH
       They dressed me up like this.

                               ALL
       We didn't, we didn't!

                               WITCH
       This is not my nose,  It is a false one.

   BEDEVERE takes her nose off.

                               BEDEVERE
       Well?

                               FIRST VILLAGER
       ... Well, we did do the nose.

                               BEDEVERE
       The nose?

                               FIRST VILLAGER
       And the hat.  But she is a witch.

                               ALL
       A witch,  a witch,  burn her!

                               BEDEVERE
       Did you dress her up like this?

                               FIRST VILLAGER
       ... Um ... Yes ... no ... a bit ... yes... she has got a wart.

                               BEDEVERE
       Why do you think she is a witch?

                               SECOND VILLAGER
       She turned me into a newt.

                               BEDEVERE
       A newt?

                               SECOND VILLAGER
           (After looking at himself for some time)
       I got better.

                               ALL
       Burn her anyway.

                               BEDEVERE
       Quiet! Quiet!  There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.

   ARTHUR and PATSY ride up at this point and watch what follows with interest

                               ALL
       There are?  Tell up.  What are they, wise Sir Bedevere?

                               BEDEVERE
       Tell me ...  what do you do with witches?

                               ALL
       Burn them.

                               BEDEVERE
       And what do you burn, apart from witches?

                               FOURTH VILLAGER
       ... Wood?

                               BEDEVERE
       So why do witches burn?

                               SECOND VILLAGER
           (pianissimo)
       ... Because they're made of wood...?

                               BEDEVERE
       Good.

   PEASANTS stir uneasily then come round to this conclusion.

                               ALL
       I see.  Yes, of course.

                               BEDEVERE
       So how can we tell if she is made of wood?

                               FIRST VILLAGER
       Make a bridge out of her.

                               BEDEVERE
       Ah ... but can you not also make bridges out of stone?

                               ALL
       Ah.  Yes, of course ... um ... err ...

                               BEDEVERE
       Does wood sink in water?

                               ALL
       No, no,  It floats.   Throw her in the pond Tie weights on her.  To
       the pond.

                              BEDEVERE
       Wait.  Wait ... tell me, what also floats on water?

                               ALL
       Bread?  No, no, no.  Apples .... gravy ... very small rocks ...

                               ARTHUR
       A duck.

   They all turn and look at ARTHUR.  BEDEVERE looks up very impressed.

                               BEDEVERE
       Exactly.  So... logically ...

                               FIRST VILLAGER
           (beginning to pick up the thread)
       If she ... weighs the same as a duck ... she's made of wood.

                               BEDEVERE
       And therefore?

                               ALL
       A witch! ... A duck!  A duck!  Fetch a duck.

                               FOURTH VILLAGER
       Here is a duck, Sir Bedevere.

                               BEDEVERE
       We shall use my largest scales.

   He leads them a few yards to a very strange contraption indeed,  made of
   wood and rope and leather.  They put the GIRL in one pan and the duck
   in another.  Each pan is supported by a wooden stave.  BEDEVERE checks
   each pan then ... ARTHUR looks on with interest.

                               BEDEVERE
       Remove the supports.

   Two PEASANTS knock them away with sledge hammers.  The GIRL and the duck
   swing slightly but balance perfectly.

                               ALL
       A witch!  A witch!

                               WITCH
       It's a fair cop.

                               All
       Burn her!  Burn her!  Let's make her into a ladder.

   The VILLAGERS drag the girl away, leaving ARTHUR and BEDEVERE regarding
   each other admiringly.

                               BEDEVERE
       Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?

                               ARTHUR
       I am Arthur, King of the Britons.

                               BEDEVERE
       My liege ... forgive me ...

   ARTHUR looks at PATSY with obvious satisfaction.


                               ARTHUR
       Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot,
       and join our number at the Round Table?

                               BEDEVERE
       My liege,  I am honored.

   ARTHUR steps forward, drawing his sword, with a slight hint of difficulty

                               ARTHUR
       What is your name?

                               BEDEVERE
       Bedevere, my Liege.

                               ARTHUR
       Then I dub you ... Sir Bedevere ... Knight of the Round Table!


|6  VARIOUS MONTAGE - ANIMATION
|
|                               VOICE OVER
|       And so King Arthur gathered his knights together ... bringing from all
|       the corners of the kingdom the strongest and bravest in the land ...
|       To sit at The Round Table ...
|
|   Under this voice over we have a montage of shots of ARTHUR recruiting
|   his Knights:
|
|   1.   ARTHUR, PATSY, BEDEVERE and PAGE riding through hillside.
|        MIX TO:
|
|   2.   A castle.  LONG SHOT of SIR GAWAIN standing outside and ARTHUR's
|        group approaching and shaking hands perhaps.
|
|   3.   MIX TO the group now plus SIR GAWAIN and PAGE (who is weighted
|        down by an enormous quantity of luggage) riding down by a stream
|        and approaching SIR HECTOR.  ARTHUR dubs him.
|
|   4.   MIX TO the group (now plus HECTOR and PAGE) approaching some group
|        of buildings or whatever.  In the distance SIR ROBIN is being taught
|        the lute by one of his MUSICIANS.  ARTHUR calls and SIR ROBIN
|        immediately reacts and hands the lute to his MUSICIAN and comes to
|        join ARTHUR & CO.
|
|   5.   MIX TO SIR GALAHAD surrounded by chickens.  He is wearing a carpenter
s
|        apron over his immaculate armour and is finishing off a hen-house.
|        We see the group approach and he throws off the apron and puts down
|        the hen-house and goes to join them.
|
|   6.   MIX TO the group riding along again.
|
|   7.   MIX TO SIR LAUNCELOT handing a BABY to his WIFE (who has several othe
r
|        CHILDREN hanging about) and he strides off to join ARTHUR, leaving hi
s
|        castle, WIFE and CHILDREN.  The castle (Eilean Donan) has washing
|        hanging outside it.  A real family castle.  There are at least
|        six kids.
|
|   8.   MIX TO the complete group, i.e. ARTHUR and PATSY, BEDEVERE and PAGE,
|        GAWAIN and PAGE, HECTOR and PAGE, GALAHAD and PAGE, SIR ROBIN and
|        six MUSICIANS, LAUNCELOT and PAGE.
+
+6  CLOSE-UP of a book on which is written:
+
+   THE BOOK OF THE FILM
+
+                               VOICE OVER
+       The wise Sir Bedevere was the first to join King Arthur's knights ...
+       but other illustrious names were soon to follow ...
+
+   Hand turns page.
+
+                               VOICE OVER
+       Sir Launcelot the Brave ...
+
+   Hand turns page.
+
+                               VOICE OVER
+       Sir Galahad the Pure ...
+
+   Hand turns page.
+
+                               VOICE OVER
+       And Sir Robin-the-not-quite-so-pure-as-Sir-Launcelot ...
+
+   Hand turns page.
+
+                               VOICE OVER
+       ... Who had nearly fought the Dragon of Agnor ...
+
+   Hand turns page.
+
+                               VOICE OVER
+       ... Who had nearly stood up to to the vicious Chicken of Bristol ...
+
+   Hand turns Page.
+
+                               VOICE OVER
+       ... and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Badon Hill ...
+       and the aptly named ...
+
+   Hand turns page.
+                               VOICE OVER
+       Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film.
+
+   Hand turns page.
+
+                               VOICE OVER
+       Together they formed band whose names and deeds were to be retold
+       throughout the centuries ... The Knights of the Round Table ...
+
+   A gorilla's hand snatches away the hand.
+
+   Music swells and fades and we MIX THROUGH TO:


7  EXTERIOR - SUNSET

   Fairly close HEAD-ON SHOT of the KNIGHTS riding along. BEDEVERE and ARTHUR
   at the front of the group deep in conversation.

                               BEDEVERE
       And that, my lord, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.

                               ARTHUR
       This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere.  Explain again how
       sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.

                               BEDEVERE
       OF course, my Liege ...

                               LAUNCELOT
           (he points)
       Look, my liege!

   They all stop and look.

                               ARTHUR
           (with thankful reverence)
       Camelot!

   CUT TO shot of amazing castle in the distance.  Illuminated in the rays of
   the setting sun.

   Music.

   CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and the group.  They are all staring with fascination.

                               GALAHAD
       Camelot ...

                               LAUNCELOT
       Camelot ...

                               GAWAIN
           (at the back, to PAGE)
       It's only a model.

                               ARTHUR
           (turning sharply)
       Sh!
           (to the rest)
       Knights!  I bid you welcome to your new home!  Let us ride ...
       to Camelot.


8  INTERIOR - NIGHT

   CUT TO interior of medieval hall.  A large group of armoured KNIGHTS are
   engaged in a well choreographed song-and-dance routine of the very up-beat
   'If they could see me now' type of fast bouncy number.  The poorer verses
   are made clearer by CUTTING to a group of knights actually engaged in
   the described task while the line itself is sung.  They sing:

                               KNIGHTS
       We're knights of the round table
       We dance whene'er we're able
       We do routines and chorus scenes
       With footwork impeccable.
       We dine well here in Camelot
       We eat ham and jam and spam a lot.

       We're knights of the Round Table
       Our shows are formidable
       But many times
       We're given rhymes
       That are quite unsingable
       We're opera mad in Camelot
       We sing from the diaphragm a lot.

   Booming basses.  A routine where two XYLOPHONISTS play parts of KNIGHTS'
   armour producing a pleasing effect.

       In war we're tough and able.
       Quite indefatigable
       Between our quests
       We sequin vests
       And impersonate Clark Gable
       It's a busy life in Camelot.

                               SINGLE MAN
       I have to push the pram a lot.

   CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and BEDEVERE and COMPANY as we had left them.

                               ARTHUR
       No, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot.

                               KNIGHTS
       Right!

                               ARTHUR
       It is a silly place.

   They set off again almost immediately they are suffused in ethereal radianc
e
   and strange heavenly choir music.  The PAGES, horselike, take fright for a
   moment, they whinny and rattle their coconuts.  ARTHUR and the KNIGHTS
   fall on their knees.  A holy voice booms out.

                               GOD
       Arthur!  Arthur ...  King of the Britons ...

   They all prostrate themselves even further

       Oh, don't grovel ... do get up!  If there's one thing I can't stand,
       it's people grovelling!!

   ARTHUR and COMPANY rise.

                               ARTHUR
       Sorry ...

                               GOD
       And don't apologize.  Every time I try to talk to someone it's
       sorry this and forgive me that and I'm not worthy and ...
       What are you doing now?

                               ARTHUR
       I'm averting my eyes, Lord.

                               GOD
       Well, don't.
|      I really don't know where all this got started.
       It's like those miserable psalms.  they're so depressing.
       Now knock it of

                               ARTHUR
       Yes, Lord.

                               GOD
       Right.  Arthur, King of the Britons, you're Knights of the Round
       Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times ...

                               ARTHUR
       Good idea, O Lord!

                               GOD
       Course it's a good idea.

   Suddenly another light glows beside GOD or possibly within the light which
   is GOD a shape slowly starts to form.

       Behold ... Arthur ... this is the Holy Grail ...
|      the Sacred Cup from which Christ drank at the Last Supper ...

   The form in the bright light is just discernible as an iridescent chalice
   ... the KNIGHTS gasp.

       Look well, Arthur ... for it is your sacred task to seek
       this Grail.

   It begins to fade.  Music crescendo as both lights fade.

       That is your purpose Arthur ... the Quest for the Holy Grail ...

   It is gone.  All the KNIGHTS are left gasping in awe and wonderment.  They
   all turn and look at ARTHUR.

                              LAUNCELOT
       A Blessing.  A blessing from the lord.

|                             BEDEVERE
|      Praise be to God!
|
|  An awed pause, then ARTHUR rallies them.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      We have a task,  we must waste no time! To Camelot!
|
+                              GALAHAD
+      God be praised!

   Stirring music crescendo.  They ride off.

   CUT TO TITLES SEQUENCE Animation: "The Quest For The Holy Grail" After
   titles CUT TO:


9  EXTERIOR - CASTLE - DAY

   MIX THROUGH one or two shots of them on their way again, until they approac
h
   a terrific castle (a little one would do too).  They advance quite close to
   the castle and draw themselves into a line.  At a signal from ARTHUR the tw
o
   PAGES step forward and give a brief fanfare.

   A MAN appears on the battlements.  ARTHUR addresses him.

                               ARTHUR
       Hello.

                               MAN
       'Allo.  Whoo is eet?

                               ARTHUR
       I am King Arthur and these are the Knights of the Round
       Table.  Whose castle is this?

                               MAN
       This is the castle of of my master, Guy de Loimbard.

                               ARTHUR
       Please go and tell your master that we have been charged by God
       with a sacred quest,  and if he will give us food and shelter for
       this night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.

                               MAN
       Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen.
       He's already got one, you see?

                               ARTHUR
       What?

                               GALAHAD
       He says they've already got one!

   They are stunned.

                               ARTHUR
       Are you sure he's got one?

                               MAN
       Oh yes.  It's very nice
+
+  CUT TO BATTLEMENTS. THE TAUNTER (MAN) turns to some others.
+
+                              MAN
+      I told him we already got one.
+
+  They all giggle.
+

                              ARTHUR
       Well ... can we come up and have a look?

                               MAN
       Of course not!  You are English pigs.

                               ARTHUR
       Well, what are you then?

                               MAN
       I'm French.  Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you
       silly king.

                               GALAHAD
       What are you doing in England?

                               MAN
       Mind your own business.

                               ARTHUR
       If you will not show us the Grail we shall storm your castle.

   Murmurs of assent.

                               MAN
       You don't frighten us, English pig-dog!  Go and boil your
       bottoms, son of a silly person.  I blow my nose on you, so-called
       Arthur-king, you and your silly English K...kaniggets.

   He puts hands to his ears and blows a raspberry.

                               GALAHAD
       What a strange person.

                               ARTHUR
       Now look here, my good man!

                               MAN
       I don't want to talk to you, no more, you empty-headed animal,
       food trough wiper.  I fart in your general direction.  You mother
       was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

                               GALAHAD
       Is there someone else up there we could talk to?

                               MAN
       No.  Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.

                               ARTHUR
       Now this is your last chance.  I've been more than reasonab...
+
+                              MAN
+      Fetchez la vache!
+
+                              GUARD
+      Quoi?
+
+                              MAN
+      Fetchez la vache!
+
   CUT BACK TO battlements.  A cow is led out of a stall.

   CUT BACK TO ARTHUR.

                               ARTHUR
       Now that is my final offer.  If you are not prepared to agree to my
       demands I shall be forced to take ... Oh Christ!

   A cow comes flying over the battlements,  lowing aggressively.  The cow
   lands on GALAHAD'S PAGE, squashing him completely.
|
|                              ROBIN
|      What a cruel thing to do.
|
|                              BEDEVERE
|          (Choking back tears)
|      It hadn't even been milked.
|
                               ARTHUR
       Right! Knights! Forward!

   ARTHUR leads a charge toward the castle.  Various shots of them battling on
,
   despite being hit by a variety of farm animals.

                               ARTHUR
           (as the MAN next to him is squashed by a sheep)
       Knights!  Run away!

   Midst echoing shouts of "run away" the KNIGHTS retreat to cover with the od
d
   cow or goose hitting them still.  The KNIGHTS crouch down under cover.

                               LAUNCELOT
       The sods!  I'll tear them apart.

                               ARTHUR
           (restraining LAUNCELOT from going out and having a go)
       No!

                               BEDEVERE
       I have a plan sir.

   CUT BACK TO battlements of castle.  FRENCH SENTRIES suspiciously peering
   towards the English lines.  Wind whistles.

   Shot of the empty scrubland or undergrowth or woodland around the castle.
   Emptiness.  Wind.  More shots of the FRENCH SENTRIES peering into the dusk.
|  As night falls.  MIX THROUGH TO night On the battlements a brazier burns or
|  torches on the wall as the SENTRIES peer into the dark. Shots of the
|  woodland with fires burning where the English lines are.

   During all this the sounds of extensive carpentry have possibly been herd,
   followed by silence, followed by renewed outbursts or activity.

   CLOSE-UP FRENCH looking very nervous.  Dawn breaking. Shot of woodland.
   Nothing.  Wind.  Dawn still breaking.  Shots of the FRENCH.  They suddenly
   hear something.  A faintly detectable squeaking which is getting louder.

   CUT TO WIDE SHOT of castle and woodland.  Squeaking getting louder.  Shot o
f
   the FRENCH TAUNTER pointing.  WIDE SHOT again.  The squeaking gets louder
   an enormous twenty-foot-high wooden rabbit is wheeled out of the
   undergrowth into the open space in front of the castle.  The ENGLISH scuttl
e
   back into the undergrowth.  The rabbit has a large red bow tied round it
   and a rather crudely written label,  which reads "Pour votres amis
   Francais". The CHIEF TAUNTER looks at it, narrowing his eyes.  Then he
   turns and leaves battlements.

   CUT TO ARTHUR and COMPANY watching from the bushes.  The main gate of the
   castle opens a little and the CHIEF TAUNTER's head sticks out,  then anothe
r
   Froggie head,  then another.  They mutter to each other in French,  look
   rather pleased,  then rush out and start to pull the giant rabbit in.

   CUT BACK TO ARTHUR and COMPANY behind some bushes watching.

                               ARTHUR
       Now what happens?

                               BEDEVERE
       Well now, Launcelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall
       and then leap out of the rabbit and take the French by surprise,
       not only by surprise but totally unarmed!

                               ARTHUR
       Who ... Who breaks out?

                               BEDEVERE
       Er ... We ... Launcelot, Galahad, and I ... Er ...  leap out of the
       rabbit and ...

   LAUNCELOT covers his eyes.

                               BEDEVERE
       Look, if we were to build a large wooden badger...

   ARTHUR cuffs him.  ARTHUR looks at the battlements.  There is a loud twang.
   Look of horror.  The rabbit comes sailing over the battlements.


                               ARTHUR
       Run away!

   More shouts.

       Run away!

|                              SIR GAWAIN
|          (to his PAGE as they run away)
|      It's only a model.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      Sh!

   They continue to retreat.  The rabbit lands on GAWAIN'S PAGE
   (who is already weighed down by enormous quantity of luggage).


10  EXTERIOR - CASTLE WALLS - DAY

    CUT TO a MAN in modern dress standing outside a castle.  He speaks straigh
t
    to CAMERA in a documentary kind of way.

    SUPERIMPOSE CAPTION:  A Very Famous Historian.

                               HISTORIAN'S SPEECH
       Defeat at the castle seems to have utterly disheartened
       King Arthur ... The ferocity of the French taunting took him
       completely by surprise and Arthur became convinced that a new strategy
       was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought
       to a successful conclusion.  Arthur, having consulted his closest
       knights, decided that they should separate, and search for the Grail
       individually.  Now, this is what they did.  No sooner...

    A KNIGHT rides into shot and hacks him to the ground.  He rides off.

    We stay for a moment on the glade.  A MIDDLE-AGED LADY in a C. & A.
    twin-set emerges from the trees and looks in horror at the body of her
    HUSBAND.

                               MRS HISTORIAN
       FRANK!

    CUT TO animated frame,  with the words "The Tale of Sir Robin" on it.
    Pleasant pastoral music.  MIX THROUGH TO:
+   VOICE: "The Tale Of Sir Robin"


11  EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY

    A KNIGHT is trotting along through a wooden sun-dapled glade, followed by
    his trusty PAGE banging the usual half coconuts.  As we see them approach
    we hear the beautiful lilting sound of medieval music, and see that
    the KNIGHT is followed by a small retinue of MUSICIANS in
    thirteenth-century courtly costume, one sings, and plays the tambourine,
    one bangs at a tabor (A small drum O.E.D) and one plays the pipes.

    The KNIGHT looks very proud and firm as we hear the first part of the song
,
    but the combination of the lyrics and the large signs they pass, start
    to have their effect ...

    SONG:

       Bravely bold Sir Robin, rode forth from Camelot,
       He was not afraid to die, Oh Brave Sir Robin,
       He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways
       Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin.

       He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp
       Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken;
       To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away
       And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin.

       His head smashed in,  and his heart cut out,
       And his liver removed, and his bowels unplugged,
       And his nostrils raped, and his bottom burned off,
       And his penis split ... and his ...

                               ROBIN
       Er, That's ... That's enough music for a while, lads.
       It Looks as though like there's dirty work afoot.

                               SINGERS
       Brave, Sir Rob ...

                               ROBIN
       Shut up.

   They have ridden past the following signs, all in triplicate:-

       +------------------------------------------------------+
       | CAMELOT 43                         CERTAIN DEATH I   |
       | CAMELOT 43                         CERTAIN DEATH I   |
       | CAMELOT 43                         CERTAIN DEATH I   |
       +------------------------------------------------------+
    +------------------------------------------------------------+
    |  BEWARE               GO BACK           DEAD PEOPLE ONLY   |
    |  BEWARE               GO BACK           DEAD PEOPLE ONLY   |
    |  BEWARE               GO BACK           DEAD PEOPLE ONLY   |
    +------------------------------------------------------------+


12 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY

   They now pass three KNIGHTS impaled to a tree.  With their feet off the
   ground,  with one lance through the lot of them, they are skewered up
   like a barbecue.

   Then they pass three KNIGHTS sitting on the ground with one enormous axe
   through their skulls.  They look timorous.

|  Then a huge tree is absolutely packed with MAIDENS tied to it.  They all
|  look fed up.  SIR ROBIN calls out cheerfully as he passes.
|
|                              ROBIN
|      Morning.
|
|                              ONE LADY
|      Bye.
|
   SIR ROBIN rides on a little way with the music building up enormous and
   terrifying tension, until suddenly there standing before him is an
   enormous THREE-HEADED KNIGHT.

                               THREE HEADS
       Halt!  Who art thou?

                               SINGERS
       He is brave Sir Robin, brave Sir Robin, who ...

                               ROBIN
           (to SINGERS)
       Shut up.  Oh, nobody really. just passing through.

                               THREE HEADS
       What do you want?

                               SINGERS
       To fight and ...

                               ROBIN
       Shut up.  Nothing really.  just to pass through, good Sir knight.

                               THREE HEADS
       I'm afraid not.
|      This is my bit of the forest.  Find your own bit.

                               ROBIN
       I am a Knight of King Arthur's Round Table.
|      I seek the Holy Grail - Stand aside and let me pass.

                               THREE HEADS
       You are a Knight of the Round Table?

                               ROBIN
       I am.

   From now on the THREE HEADS speak individually.

                               SECOND HEAD
       Shit.

                               FIRST HEAD
       In that case I shall have to kill you.

                               SECOND HEAD
       Shall I?

                               THIRD HEAD
       Oh, I don't think so.

                               SECOND HEAD
       I'm not sure.

                               MIDDLE HEAD
           (to FIRST)
       What do I think?

                               LEFT HEAD
       I think kill him.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      I'm still not sure.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      All right.  How many of me think I should kill him?
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      I do.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      One.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      That's not a quorum.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      It is if I'm the Chairman.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      Oo, it's not.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      I'm the Chairman this week.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      You're not.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      Look, it'll make it much simpler if I vote with me.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      To kill him.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      Yeah.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|          (tuts)
|      Oh, damn.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|         (to SIR ROBIN)
|      Knight, I have decided to kill you.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      With one absenting.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      Knight, I have decided to kill you with one absenting.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|          (to SIR ROBIN)
|      Sorry about this but I have to be fair.
|
|                              ROBIN
|      Oh, that's all right.  So you are going to kill me with your big axe.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      Er no, with my sword.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      Dagger.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      Mace is quicker.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      No, no, the sword, it's easier.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      He said axe.
|
|                              ROBIN
|      Look, hurry up six eyes, or I shall cut your head off.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|          (to SIR ROBIN, referring to FIRST HEAD)
|      For God's sake, CUT that one off, and do us all a favour.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      What do you mean?
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      Yapping on all the time.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      You're lucky, you're not next to him.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      What do you mean?
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      You snore.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      Oo, lies.  Anyway, you've got bad breath.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|          (aspirating heavily)
|      I haven't.
|
|  Both THIRD and FIRST HEADS turn away slightly, making faces.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      It's not my fault.  It's what you both eat.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      Look, stop this bitching.  We've got a knight to kill.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      He's buggered off.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      So he has.  He's scarpered.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      That's all your fault.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      No, it's not.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|          (swipes at himself)
|      Take that.
|
|                              SECOND HEAD
|      Ow.
|
|                              FIRST HEAD
|      I'm sorry.
|
|                              THIRD HEAD
|      'Ere, stop it.  I'll teach you.
|
|  The BODY starts laying into itself with sword and mace, while the HEADS
|  argue and shout with pain.  We PAN gently across to the MAIDENS on their
|  tree.  They are still very fed up.
|
|                              MAIDEN
|      I suppose we're lucky he's only got three heads.
|
|                              LOVELY
|      Chance would be a fine thing.
+
+                              THIRD HEAD
+      Oh! let's be nice to him.
+
+                              FIRST HEAD
+      Oh shut up.
+
+                              ROBIN
+      Perhaps I could ...
+
+                              FIRST HEAD
+      Oh! quick! get the sword out I want to cut his head off.
+
+                              THIRD HEAD
+      Oh, cut your own head off.
+
+                              SECOND HEAD
+      Yes - do us all a favour.
+
+                              FIRST HEAD
+      What?
+
+                              THIRD HEAD
+      Yapping on all the time.
+
+                              SECOND HEAD
+      You're lucky, you're not next to him.
+
+                              THIRD HEAD
+      What do you mean?
+
+                              SECOND HEAD
+      You snore.
+
+                              THIRD HEAD
+      Ooh, lies! anyway you've got bad breath.
+
+                              SECOND HEAD
+      Well only because you don't brush my teeth ...
+
+                              THIRD HEAD
+      Oh! stop bickering and let's go and have tea and biscuits.
+
+                              FIRST HEAD
+      All right! All right! We'll kill him first and then have tea
+      and biscuits.
+
+                              SECOND HEAD
+      Yes.
+
+                              THIRD HEAD
+      Oh! not biscuits ...
+
+                              FIRST HEAD
+      All right! All right! not biscuits - but lets kill him anyway ...
+
+  WIDE-SHOT THE 3-HEADED KNIGHT is alone.
+
+                              SECOND HEAD
+      He's buggered off!
+
+                              THIRD HEAD
+      So he has! He's scarpered.


13 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DAY

   Quick sequence of SIR ROBIN.  The music is jolly and bright, as if
   triumphant.  ROBIN is not at all happy with the lyrics.

                               SINGERS
       Brave Sir Robin ran away.

                               ROBIN
       I didn't.

                               SINGERS
       Bravely ran away, away.

                               ROBIN
       No, no, no.

                               SINGERS
       When danger reared its ugly head,
       He bravely turned his tail and fled
       Yes, Brave Sir Robin turned about
       And gallantly he chickened out
       Bravely taking to his feet
       He beat a very brave retreat
       Bravest of the brave Sir Robin
       Petrified of being dead
       Soiled his pants then brave Sir Robin
       Turned away and fled.

   They disappear into distance.

   ANIMATION:  "The Tale Of Sir Galahad"


14 EXTERIOR - STORM - FOREST - DUSK

   As the storm rages we pick up GALAHAD forcing his way through brambles and
   over slippery rocks.  Progress is hard.  He pauses and at this moment
   we hear the howling of wolves.  GALAHAD turns, then hurries onward even
   more urgently.  Another louder, closer howl is herd and GALAHAD stumbles
   and falls heavily.  Though obviously injured he bravely struggles
   forward a little and regains his feed reacting with pain.  More louder
   closer howling.  He grips his sword valiantly and as he glances around
   a flash of lightning reveals the silhouette of a huge terrifying castle,
   perhaps looking rather derelict.  He makes up his mind in an instant and
   stumbles manfully toward it.  More louder howling.  He reaches the
   forbidding and enormous doors of the castle and beats on the doors with the
   handle of his sword, looking over his shoulder the while.  Pause.
   He beats again, shouting:

                               GALAHAD
       Open.  Open the doors.  In the name of King Arthur.  Open the doors.
|      I am Sir Galahad, a knight of the Round Table.
|
|  Some suitable noises are herd inside.
|
|      I am on a quest for the Holy Grail.  I seek shelter.

   Some rattling chainy noises come from inside with huge bolts being
   drawn.  The wolves' howling is very close.  As the door creaks
   open GALAHAD steps quickly inside.

15 INTERIOR - CASTLE - NIGHT

   From inside we see GALAHAD enter, wiping the rain from his eyes, and turn
   as the door crashes behind him.  GALAHAD turns to the door reacting to the
   fact he is trapped.

                               ZOOT (OUT OF VISION)
       Hello!

   GALAHAD turns back.  We see from his POV the lovely ZOOT standing by him
   smiling enchantingly and a number of equally delectable GIRLIES draped
   around in the seductively poulticed room.  They look at him smilingly and
   wave.

                               GIRLIES
       Hello!

                               ZOOT
       Welcome, gentle Sir knight, welcome to the Castle Anthrax.

                               GALAHAD
       The Castle Anthrax?

                               ZOOT
       Yes.  It's not a very good name, is it?  But we are
       nice and we shall attend to your every ... every need!

                               GALAHAD
       Er ...
+      You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?

                               ZOOT
       The what?  But you are tired and you must rest awhile.  Midget!
       Crapper!

                               MIDGET AND CRAPPER
       Yes, O Zoot?

                               ZOOT
       Prepare a bed for our guest.

                               MIDGET AND CRAPPER
           (grovelling with delight)
       Oh thank you, Zoot, thank you, thank you.

                               ZOOT
       Away varletesses!
           (to GALAHAD)
       The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big.

                               GALAHAD
       Well, look er, I ...

                               ZOOT
       What is your name, handsome knight?

                               GALAHAD
       Er ... Sir Galahad... the Chaste.

                               ZOOT
       Mine is Zoot. Just Zoot
           (she is very close to him for a moment)
       But come.

   She turns away and leads him towards a door leading to a corner leading
   to the bedchamber

                               GALAHAD
       Well Look, I'm afraid I really ought to be ...

                               ZOOT
       Sir Galahad!!

   There is a gasp from the other GIRLS

                               ZOOT
       You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality.

   GALAHAD looks at the other GIRLS.  They are clearly on the verge of
   being offended.

                               GALAHAD
       Well ...

                               ZOOT
           (she moves off and GALAHAD unwillingly follows)
       I'm afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared
       to yours.  We are but eightscore young blondes, all between
       sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle, with no
       one to protect us.  Oooh.  It is a lonely life ... bathing ...
       dressing ... undressing ... making exciting underwear....

   They reach the end of the corridor and enter the bedchamber.
   ZOOT turns

                               ZOOT
       We are just not used to handsome knights ...
           (she notices him limping)
       But you are wounded!

                               GALAHAD
       No, It's nothing!

                               ZOOT
       You must see the doctors immediately.
            (she claps again)
       You must lie down.

   She almost forces him to lie on the bed as PIGLET and WINSTON enter the
   room.  They are equally beautiful and dressed exotically.  They
   approach GALAHAD.

                               PIGLET
       Well,  what seems to be the trouble?

                               GALAHAD
       They're doctors?

                               ZOOT
       They have a basic medical training, yes.  Now you must try to rest.
       Dr. Winston! Dr. Piglet!  Practice your art!!

                               WINSTON
       Try to relax.

                               GALAHAD
       No look, really, this isn't nescess ...

                               PIGLET
       We must examine you.

                               GALAHAD
       There's nothing wrong with ... that.

                               PIGLET
           (slightly irritated)
       Please ... we are doctors.

   ZOOT reappears.  GALAHAD tries for one brief moment to relax.  Then there i
s
   a sharp boing from the lower part of his armour.  WINSTON glances quickly
   in the appropriate direction as GALAHAD sits up and starts getting off the
   bed and collecting his armour, saying:

                               GALAHAD
       No, no, this cannot be.   I am sworn to chastity!

                               PIGLET
       Back to your bed!  At once!

                               GALAHAD
       I'm sorry, I must go.

   GALAHAD hurries to the door and pushes through it.  As he leaves the room
   we CUT TO the reverse to show that he is now in a room full of bathing
   and romping GIRLIES, all innocent, wide-eyed and beautiful.  They smile
   enchantingly at him as he tries to keep walking without being diverted by
   the lovely sights assaulting his eyeballs.  He nods to them stiffly once
   or twice and then his eye catches a particularly stunning YOUNG LADY.
   He visibly gulps with repressed emotion and cannot resist saying:
|
|                              GALAHAD
|      Good evening ... Ah, Zoot!  Er ...
|
|                              DINGO
|      No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo.
|
|                              GALAHAD
|      Oh.  Well, I'm sorry, but I must leave immediately.
|
|                              DINGO
|          (very dramatically)
|      No!  Oh, no!  Bad ... bad Zoot.
|
|                              GALAHAD
|      Er, why?
|
|                              DINGO
|      She has been lying again ... she told us you had promised to
|      stay for ever!
|
|                              GALAHAD
|      Oh!
+
+                              GALAHAD
+      Oh ... will you excuse me?
+
+                              DINGO
+      Where are you going?
+
+                              GALAHAD
+      I have seen the Grail! I have seen it - here in this castle!
+
+                              DINGO
+      No!  Oh, no!  Bad ... bad Zoot!
+
+                              GALAHAD
+      What is it?
+
+                              DINGO
+      Bad, wicked, naughty Zoot!  She has been setting fire to our beacon,
+      which - I have just remembered - is grail-shaped ...  It is not the
+      first time we've had this problem.
+
+                              GALAHAD
+      It's not the real Grail?
+
+                              DINGO
       Wicked wicked Zoot ... she is a bad person and she must pay the
       penalty.  And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment
       ... you must tie her down on a bed ... and spank her.  Come!

                               GIRLS
       A spanking!  A spanking!

                               DINGO
       You must spank her well and after you have spanked her you
       may deal with her as you like and then ... spank me.

                               AMAZING
       And spank me!

                               STUNNER
       And me.

                               LOVELY
       And me.

                               DINGO
       Yes, yes, you must give us all a good spanking!

                               GIRLS
       A spanking.  A spanking.  There is going to be a spanking tonight.

                               DINGO
       And after the spanking ... the oral sex.

                               GALAHAD
       Oh, dear! Well, I...

                               GIRLS
       The oral sex ...  The oral sex.

                               GALAHAD
       Well, I suppose I could stay a BIT longer.

   At this moment there is a commotion behind and SIR LAUNCELOT and CONCORD,
   possibly plus GAWAIN, burst into the bathing area with swords drawn and
   form themselves round SIR GALAHAD threatening the GIRLS.

                               LAUNCELOT
       Sir Galahad!

                               GALAHAD
       Oh ... hello ...

                               LAUNCELOT
       Quick!

                               GALAHAD
       Why?

                               LAUNCELOT
       You are in great peril.

                               DINGO
       No he isn't

                               LAUNCELOT
       Silence! Foul temptress!

                               GALAHAD
       Well, she's got a point.

                               LAUNCELOT
       We'll cover your escape!

                               GALAHAD
       Look - I'm fine!

                               GIRLS
       Sir Galahad!

   He threatens DINGO.

                               GALAHAD
       No. Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!

                               GIRLS
       Yes, yes, let him Tackle us single-handed!

                               LAUNCELOT
       Come Sir Galahad, quickly!

                               GALAHAD
       No, really, I can cope.  I can handle this lot easily!

                               DINGO
       Yes, let him handle us easily.

                               LAUNCELOT
       No sir.  Quick!


   He starts pulling GALAHAD away.

                               GALAHAD
       No, please.  Please! I can defeat them!  There's only a hundred.

                               GIRLS
       He will beat us easily.  We haven't a chance.

                               DINGO
       Oh shit!

   By now LAUNCELOT and CONCORDE have hustled GALAHAD out of the bathing
   area and are running through the outside door.

                               LAUNCELOT
       We were in the nick of time.  You were in great peril.

                               GALAHAD
           (dragging his feet somewhat)
       I don't think I was.

                               LAUNCELOT
       You were, Sir Galahad, You were in terrible peril.

                               GALAHAD
       Look, let me go back in there and face the peril?

                               LAUNCELOT
       It's too perilous.

   They are right outside the castle by now.

                               GALAHAD
       Look, it's my duty as a knight to try and sample as much peril as I can
.

                               LAUNCELOT
       No, no, we must find the Grail.

  The thunderstorm is over.  A bunch (sic) of PAGES are tethered to a tree wit
h
  more MEN waiting.  Their tethers are untied and the PAGES start banging away
  with their coconuts.  GALAHAD is swept along with them as they ride off.

                               GALAHAD
       Oh, let me go and have a bit of peril?

                               LAUNCELOT
       No.  It's unhealthy.

                               GALAHAD
       ... I Bet you're gay.

                               LAUNCELOT
       No, I'm not.

   GAWAIN or CONCORDE gives a knowing glance at LAUNCELOT.  VOICE comes in as
   they ride off.

                               VOICE OVER
       Sir Launcelot had saved Galahad from almost certain
       temptation but they were still lost, far from the goal
       of their search for the Holy Grail.  Only Bedevere and
       King Arthur himself, riding day and night, had made
       any progress.


16  ANIMATION/LIVE ACTION

    ARTHUR and BEDEVERE in the depths of a dark forest with an old blind
    SOOTHSAYER.  He lies in a broken down old woodman's hut.

                               ARTHUR
       And this "Enchanter" of whom you speak,  he has seen the grail?

   The SOOTHSAYER laughs forbiddingly, adding to the general spookiness of
   this encounter.

                               ARTHUR
       Where does he live?
           (he stares into the blind eyes of the OLD MAN)
       Old man ... where does he live ...

                               SOOTHSAYER
       He knows of a cave ... a cave which no man has entered.

                               ARTHUR
       And ... the Grail ... The Grail is there?

   The BLIND MAN laughs again to himself.

                               SOOTHSAYER
       There is much danger ... for beyond the cave lies the Gorge
       of Eternal Peril which no man has ever crossed.

                               ARTHUR
       But the Grail ... where is the Grail!?

                               SOOTHSAYER
       Seek you the Bridge of Death ...

                               ARTHUR
       The Bridge of Death? ... which leads to the Grail?

   The OLD MAN laughs sinisterly and mockingly.  They look down and he is
   gone.  They stand up.  Suddenly behind them is a noise.  They turn sharply
   in the door of the little hut is a cat.  It miaows and is gone.  They
   slowly back out of the hut.  As they touch the doorposts they just flake
   away into dust.  The whole hut is rotten.  It collapses

   Spooky music.  They are thoroughly shaken, and they begin to hear noises of
   people moving in the forest around them.  They start to back cautiously
   away from the hut, suddenly there is heavy footfall behind them.  They
   turn in fear and:

   Sudden CUT TO BIG CLOSE-UP of a frightening black-browed evil face.

                               TALL KNIGHT OF NI
       Ni!

   ARTHUR and BEDEVERE recoil in abject fear.  PATSY rears up with coconuts.

                               ARTHUR
           (to PATSY)
       Easy ... boy, easy ...

   ARTHUR peers into the darkness.

       Who are you?

                               SIX VOICES FROM DARKNESS
       NI! ... Peng! ... Neeee ... Wom!

   An extraordinary TALL KNIGHT in all black (possibly John with Mike on his
   shoulders) walks out from the dark trees.  He is extremely fierce and
   gruesome countenance.  He walks towards KING ARTHUR and PATSY, who are
   wazzing like mad.  (Salopian slang, meaning very scared.  almost to the
   point of wetting oneself, e.g. before an important football match or
   prior to a postering.  Salopian slang meaning a beating by the school
   praeposters.  Sorry about the Salopian slant to this stage direction - Ed.)

                               ARTHUR
           (wazzed stiff)
       Who are you?
                               TALL KNIGHT
       We are the Knights Who Say "Ni"!

                               BEDEVERE
       No!  Not the Knights Who Say "Ni"!

                               TALL KNIGHT
       The same!

                               ARTHUR
       Who are they?

                               TALL KNIGHT
       We are the keepers of the sacred words.  NI ... Peng ... and Neee
       ... Wom!

                               BEDEVERE
       Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale.

                               TALL KNIGHT
       The Knights Who Say "Ni"! demand a sacrifice.

                               ARTHUR
           (to the TALL KNIGHT)
       Knights Who Say "Ni" ... we are but simple travellers.  We seek the
       Enchanter who lives beyond this wood and who ...

                               TALL KNIGHT
       NI!

                               ARTHUR
           (recoiling)
       Oh!

                               TALL KNIGHT
       NI!   NI!

                               ARTHUR
           (he cowers in fear)
       Oh!

                               TALL KNIGHT
       We shall say Ni! again to you if you do not appease us.

                               ARTHUR
       All right!  What do you want?

                               TALL KNIGHT
       We want ... a shrubbery!

                               ARTHUR
       A what?

                               TALL KNIGHT
       Ni!  Ni!  Ni ... Peng ... Nee ... Wum!

   The PAGES rear and snort and rattle their coconuts.

                               ARTHUR
       All right!  All right! ... No more, please.  We will find you
       a shrubbery ...

                               TALL KNIGHT
       You must return here with a shrubbery or else ...  you shall
       not pass through this wood alive!

                               ARTHUR
       Thanks you, Knights Who Say Ni!  You are fair and just.  We will
       return with a shrubbery.

                               TALL KNIGHT
       One that looks nice.

                               ARTHUR
       Of course.

                               TALL KNIGHT
       And not too expensive.

                               ARTHUR
       Yes ...

                               TALL KNIGHT
       Now - go!

   ARTHUR and BEDEVERE turn and ride off.

                               OTHER KNIGHTS
       Ni!  Ni!

   Shouts of "Ni" and "Peng" ring behind them.


17 EXTERIOR - DAY

   CUT BACK TO the HISTORIAN lying in the glade.  His WIFE, who has been
   kneeling beside him, rises as two POLICE PATROLMEN enter the glade.
   They bend over her HUSBAND.  One takes out a notebook.

   CUT TO and animated title - "The Tale of Sir Launcelot"


18 INTERIOR - PRINCE'S ROOM IN CASTLE - DAY

   A young, quite embarrassingly unattractive PRINCE is gazing out of a castle
   window.  His FATHER stands beside him.  He is also looking out.  The
   PRINCE wears a long white undershirt (like a night shirt).

                               FATHER
       One day, lad, all this will be yours ...

                               PRINCE
       What - the curtains?

                               FATHER
       No!  Not the curtains, lad ...  All that ...
           (indicates the vista from the window)
       all that you can see, stretched out over the hills and
       valleys ... as far as the eye can see and beyond ...
       that'll be your kingdom, lad.

                               PRINCE
       But, Mother ...

                               FATHER
       Father, lad.

                               PRINCE
       But, Father, I don't really want any of that.

                               FATHER
       Listen, lad, I built this kingdom up from nothing.  All I had when
       I started was swamp ...  other kings said I was daft to build a
       castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same ... just to show 'em.
       It sank into the swamp.  So I built a another one ... that sank
       into the swamp.  I built another one ...  That fell over and THEN
       sank into the swamp ....  So I built another ... and that stayed up.
       ... And that's what your gonna get, lad: the most powerful kingdom in
       this island.

                               PRINCE
       But I don't want any of that, I'd rather ...

                               FATHER
       Rather what?

                               PRINCE
       I'd rather ... just ... sing ...

   MUSIC INTRO

                               FATHER
       You're not going to do a song while I'm here!

   Music stops.

       Listen, lad, in twenty minutes you're going to be married to
       a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Britain.

                               PRINCE
       I don't want land.

                               FATHER
       Listen, Alice ...

                               PRINCE
       Herbert.

                               FATHER
       Herbert ...  We built this castle on a bloody swamp, we need all
       the land we can get.

                               PRINCE
       But I don't like her.

                               FATHER
       Don't like her?   What's wrong with her?  She's beautiful ...
       she's rich ... she's got huge tracts of land ...

                               PRINCE
       I know ... but ... I want the girl that I marry to  have ...
       a certain ... special ... something ...

   MUSIC INTO FOR song.

                               FATHER
       Cut that out!

   Music cuts off abruptly.

       You're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea!
       Guards!

   TWO GUARDS enter and stand to attention on either side of the door
   One of them has hiccoughs and does so throughout.

                               FATHER
       Make sure the Prince doesn't leave this room until
       I come and get him.

                               FIRST GUARD
       Not ... to leave the room ... even if you come and get him.

                               FATHER
       No.  Until I come and get him.

                               SECOND GUARD
       Hic.

                               FIRST GUARD
       Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room.

                               FATHER
       No ...  You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave.

                               FIRST GUARD
       ... and you'll come and get him.

                               SECOND GUARD
       Hic.

                               FATHER
       That's Right.

                               FIRST GUARD
       We don't need to do anything, apart from just stop him
       entering the room.

                               FATHER
       Leaving the room.

                               FIRST GUARD
       Leaving the room ... yes.

                               FATHER
       Got it?

                               SECOND GUARD
       Hic.

   FARTHER makes to leave.

                               FIRST GUARD
       Er ... if ... we ... er ...

                               FATHER
       Yes?

                               FIRST GUARD
       If we ... er ...
           (trying to remember what he was going to say)

                               FATHER
       Look, it's  simple.  Just stay here and make sure he doesn't
       leave the room.

                               SECOND GUARD
       Hic.

                               FATHER
       Right?

                               FIRST GUARD
       Oh, I remember ... can he ... er ... can he leave the room with us?

                               FATHER
           (carefully)
       No ....  keep him in here ... and make sure he doesn't ...

                               FIRST GUARD
       Oh, yes!  we'll keep him in here, obviously.  But if he had
       to leave and we were with him.

                               FATHER
       No ... just keep him in here.

                               FIRST GUARD
       Until you, or anyone else ...

                               FATHER
       No, not anyone else - just me.

                               FIRST GUARD
       Just you ...

                               SECOND GUARD
       Hic.

                               FIRST GUARD
       Get back.

                               FATHER
       Right.

                               FIRST GUARD
       Okay.  Fine.  We'll remain here until you get back.

                               FATHER
       And make sure he doesn't leave.

                               FIRST GUARD
       What?

                               FATHER
       Make sure he doesn't leave.

                               FIRST GUARD
       The Prince ... ?

                               FATHER
       Yes ...  make sure ...

                               FIRST GUARD
       Oh yes, of course!  I thought you meant him!
           (he points to the other GUARD and laughs to himself)
       You know it seemed a bit daft me havin' to guard him when
       he's a guard ...

                               FATHER
       Is that clear?

                               SECOND GUARD
       Hic.

                               FIRST GUARD
      Oh, yes.  That's quite clear.  No problems.

   FATHER pulls open the door and makes to leave the room.  The GUARDS follow.

                               FATHER
           (to the GUARDS)
       Where are you going?

                               FIRST GUARD
       We're coming with you.

                               FATHER
       No, I want you to stay here and make sure he doesn't leave
       the room until I get back.

                               FIRST GUARD
       Oh, I see,  Right.

   They take up positions on either side of the door.

                               PRINCE
       But, Father.

                               FATHER
       Shut your noise, you,  and get that suit on!

    He points to a wedding suit on a table or chair.  FATHER throws one last
    look at the BOY and turns, goes out and slams the door.

    The PRINCE slumps onto window seat, looking forlornly out of the window.
    MUSIC INTRO to song ...

    The door flies open, the music cuts off and FATHER pokes his head in.

                               FATHER
        And no singing!

                               SECOND GUARD
       Hic.

                               FATHER
           (as he goes out.)
       Go and have a drink of water.

   FATHER slams the door again.  The GUARDS take up their positions.  The SON
   gazes out of the window again ... sighs ... thinks ... a thought strikes hi
m
   ... he gets up, crosses to his desk and scribbles a quick note and impales
   it on an arrow ... takes a bow down from the wall ... and fires the arrow
   out of the window.

   He looks wetly defiant at the GUARDS, who smile pleasantly.


15 EXTERIOR - A FOREST - DAY

   CUT TO the middle of the forest.  SIR LAUNCELOT is riding along with
   a trusty servant, CONCORDE.

                               LAUNCELOT
       And ... o v e r ...  we go!

   He strides over a big tree trunk ... his "horse" does run and jump ...

                               LAUNCELOT
           (enthusiastically)
       Well taken, Concorde!

                               CONCORDE
       Thank you, sir, most kind ...

                               LAUNCELOT
       And another!

   CONCORDE misses a beat.

       Steady!  Good ... and the last one ...

   CONCORDE does the run-up with the coconuts.  He does the break for the
   leap ... there is a thwack.  SIR LAUNCELOT is waiting for the horse
     to land.

                               CONCORDE
       Message for you, sir.

   He falls forward revealing the arrow with the note.

                               LAUNCELOT
       Concorde - speak to me.

   He realises he might be in danger and so starts to crawl off ...
   when he notices the note.  He takes it out and reads it.

                               LAUNCELOT
           (reading)
       "To whoever finds this note -
       I have been imprisoned by my father who wishes me to marry
       against my will.  Please please please please come and rescue me.
       I am in the tall tower of Swamp Castle."

   SIR LAUNCELOT's eyes light up with holy inspiration.

                               LAUNCELOT
       At last!   A call!  A cry of distress ...
           (he draws his sword, and turns to CONCORDE)
      Concorde!  Brave, Concorde ... you shall not have died in vain!

                               CONCORDE
       I'm not quite dead, sir ...

                               LAUNCELOT
           (a little deflated)
       Oh, well ... er brave Concorde!  You shall not have been fatally
       wounded in vain!

                               CONCORDE
       I think I could pull through, sir.

                               LAUNCELOT
       Good Concorde ... stay here and rest awhile.

   He makes to leap off dramatically.

                               CONCORDE
       I think I'll be all right to come with you, sir.

                               LAUNCELOT
       I will send help, brave friend, as soon as I have accomplished
       this most daring, desperate adventure in this genre.

                               CONCORDE
       Really, I feel fine, sir.

                               LAUNCELOT
       Farewell, Concorde!

                               CONCORDE
       It just seems silly ... me lying here.

   SIR LAUNCELOT plunges off into the forest.

20 EXTERIOR - CASTLE GATEWAY - DAY

   Two hanging banners one each side of the gate with the monogram:
   "H & L".

   TWO SENTRIES with spears ... slightly weddingly ... red ribbons on their
   right spears.  We can hear from inside revelry and celebration music.

   We hear LAUNCELOT's footsteps.  The TWO SENTRIES are watching him.  One of
   them raises his hand.
|
|                              FIRST SENTRY
|      Halt, friend ...
|
   LAUNCELOT leaps into SHOT with a mighty cry and runs the GUARD through and
   hacks him to the floor.  Blood.  Swashbuckling music (perhaps).
   LAUNCELOT races through into the castle screaming.

                               SECOND SENTRY
       Hey!

   He looks down at his mutilated comrade.


21 EXTERIOR - DAY

   CUT TO inside of the castle grounds or courtyard.

   in the sunlight beautifully dressed WEDDING GUESTS are arriving.
   Converging on a doorway.  A country dance in progress.

   SIR LAUNCELOT rushes towards them.

   CUT TO HAND-HELD CLOSE-UPS as he charges through the crowd, hacking
   right and left a la Errol Flynn at all who come in his way.

   He fights his way through the country dance.  Blood.  Shrieks.  Bemused
   looks of GUESTS - not horror so much as uncomprehending surprise.

   Possibly Errol Flynn music.

   One COUNTRY DANCER is left holding just a hand.

   Right and left the GUESTS crumple in pools of blood as he fights his
   way through the door and into the main hall.


22 INTERIOR - DAY

   CUT TO interior of main hall.  Sound of busy preparations.  MEN setting
   up huge hogsheads of wine.  MEN putting up last minute flower arrangements.
   COOKS bearing huge trays of food, pies, suckling pigs, a swan, boar's
   head, etc.

   The BRIDE being dressed by several ATTENDANTS.  FATHER ordering SERVANTS
   around - organizing the STEWARDS etc.

   SIR LAUNCELOT bursts through the middle of them, slashing heroically,
   hacking, wounding and killing.  Again fairly CLOSE-UP chaotic SHOTS.
   We see GUESTS stagger back wounded - a COOK bites the dust, etc.

   SIR LAUNCELOT eventually reaches the staircase ... runs up it and
   into a small door.


23 INTERIOR - DAY

   CUT TO SIR LAUNCELOT running up spiral staircase.  He reaches the door
   of the PRINCE's room.  he flings it open.

                               FIRST GUARD
       Ah!  Now ... we're not allowed to ...

   SIR LAUNCELOT runs him through,  grabs his spear and stabs the other
   guard who collapses in a heap.  Hiccoughs quietly.

   SIR LAUNCELOT runs to the window and kneels down in front of the PRINCE,
   averting his head.

                               LAUNCELOT
       Oh, fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Launcelot,
       from the Court of Camelot.  I have come to take you ...
           (he looks up for the first time and his voice trails away)
        away ... I'm terribly sorry ...

                               PRINCE
       You got my note!

                               LAUNCELOT
       Well ... yes ...

                               PRINCE
       You've come to rescue me?

                               LAUNCELOT
       Well ... yes ... but I hadn't realised ...

                               PRINCE
           (his eyes light up)
       I knew that someone would come.  I knew ... somewhere out there ...
       there must be ...

   MUSIC INTRO to song.

                               FATHER
           (suddenly looking in the door)
       Stop that!

   Music cuts out.

   FATHER sees SIR LAUNCELOT still kneeling before his son.

                               FATHER
       Who are you?

                               PRINCE
       I'm ... your son ...

                               FATHER
       Not you.

                               LAUNCELOT
           (half standing self-consciously)
       I'm ... er ... Sir Launcelot, sir.

                               PRINCE
       He's come to rescue me, father.

                               LAUNCELOT
           (embarrassed)
       Well, let's not jump to conclusions ...

                               FATHER
       Did you kill all those guards?

                               LAUNCELOT
       Yes ...  I'm very sorry ...

                               FATHER
       They cost fifty pounds each!

                               LAUNCELOT
       Well, I'm really am most awfully sorry but I ...
       I can explain everything ...

                               PRINCE
       Don't be afraid of him, Sir Launcelot.  I've got a rope here all
       ready ...

    He throws a rope out of the window which is tied to a pillar in the room
    He  looks rather pleased with himself that he has got it all ready.

                               FATHER
       You killed eight wedding guests in all!

                               LAUNCELOT
       Er, Well ... the thing is ... I thought your son was a lady.

                               FATHER
       I can understand that.

                               PRINCE
           (half out of the window)
       Hurry, brave Sir Launcelot!

                               FATHER
           (to his SON)
       Shut up!
           (to LAUNCELOT)
       You only killed the bride's father - that's all -

                               LAUNCELOT
       Oh dear, I didn't really mean to...

                               FATHER
       Didn't mean to?  You put your sword right through his head!

                               LAUNCELOT
       Gosh - Is he all right?

                               FATHER
       You even kicked the bride in the chest!  It's going to cost
       me a fortune!

                               LAUNCELOT
       I can explain ...  I was in the forest ... riding north
       from Camelot ... when I got this note.

                               FATHER
       Camelot?  Are you from Camelot?

   The PRINCE's head peeps over the windowsill.

                               PRINCE
       Hurry!

                               LAUNCELOT
       I am, sir. I am a Knight of King Arthur.

                               FATHER
       'Mm ... very nice castle, Camelot ... very good pig country....

                               LAUNCELOT
       Is it?

                               PRINCE (out of vision)
       I am ready, Sir Launcelot.

                               FATHER
       Do you want to come and have a drink?

                               LAUNCELOT
       Oh ... that's awfully nice.

                               PRINCE (OOV)
           (loud and shrill)
       I am ready!

   As they walk past the rope, the FATHER nonchalantly cuts with his knife.
   there is no sound except after a pause a slight squeal from very far away
   as the PRINCE makes contact with the ground.

                               LAUNCELOT
       It's just that when I'm in this genre, I tend to get over-excited
       and start to leap around and wave my sword about ... and ...

                               FATHER
       Oh, don't worry about that ... Tell me ... doesn't Camelot own
       that stretch of farmland up by the mountains?

   He puts his arm round LAUNCELOT's shoulders as they go though the door.


24 INTERIOR - DAY

   CUT TO the great hall.  GUESTS wounded and bloody, are tending to the dead
   and injured, sighs and groans, the PRINCESS in her white wedding dress is
   holding her chest and coughing blood.
   People dabbing the stains off her dress.

   FATHER and SIR LAUNCELOT start to walk down the grand staircase.  Talking
   to each other.

   One of the GUESTS notices and points to SIR LAUNCELOT.

                               GUEST
       There he is!

   As one man all remaining able-bodied MEN look up and make for the staircase
,
   muttering angrily.  SIR LAUNCELOT grabs his sword.

                               FATHER
       Hold it!

   But it is too lake.  SIR LAUNCELOT cannot be stopped.  With fearless abando
n
   he throws himself into the CROWD and starts hacking and slashing.  He has
   carved quite a number up before the FATHER can stop him and pulls him back
   onto the stairs.  Renewed groans and cries.


                               FATHER
           (shouting above noise)
       Hold it!  Please!
                               LAUNCELOT
       Sorry!  Sorry ...
           (with bitter self reproach)
       There you See ... I just got excited again and I got carried away ...
       I'm ever so sorry.
           (to the CROWD)
       Sorry.

   CROWD kneeling round their wounded again.  Moans etc.

                               GUEST
       He's killed the best man!

                               SECOND GUEST
           (holding a limp WOMAN)
       He's killed my auntie.

                               FATHER
       No, please!  This is supposed to be a happy occasion!
       Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who ...  We
       are here today to witness the union of two young people in
       the joyful bond of the holy wedlock.  Unfortunately, one
       of them, my son Herbert, has just fallen to his death.

   Murmurs from CROWD;  the BRIDE smiles with relief, coughs.

       But I don't want to think I've not lost a son ...
       so much as gained a daughter ...

   Smattering of applause.

       For, since the tragic death of her father ...

                               SHOUT FROM BACK
       He's not quite dead!

                               FATHER
       Since the fatal wounding of her father ...

                               SHOUT FROM BACK
       I think He's getting better!

   FATHER nods discreetly to a SOLDIER standing to one side.  The SOLDIER
   slips off.  FATHER's eyes watch him move round to where the voice
   came from.

                               FATHER
       For ... since her own father ... who ... when he seemed about to
       recover ... suddenly felt the icy ... hand of death upon him.

   A scuffle at the back.

                               SHOUT FROM BACK
       Oh, he's died!

                               FATHER
       I want his only daughter, from now onwards, to think of me as her
       old dad ... in a very real and legally binding sense.

   Applause.

       And I'm sure sure ... that the merger ... er ... the union
       between the Princess and the brave but dangerous Sir Launcelot
       of Camelot ...

                               LAUNCELOT
       What?

   Gasp from the CROWD.

                               CROWD
       The dead Prince!

   There is CONCORDE holding "THE DEAD PRINCE" in his arms.

                               CONCORDE
       He's not quite dead!

                               PRINCE
       I feel much better.

                               FATHER
       You fell out of the Tall Tower you creep!

                               PRINCE
       I was saved at the last minute.

                               FATHER
       How?

                               PRINCE
       Well ... I'll tell you ...

   MUSIC INTRO to song.  CONCORDE stands the SON on his feet and adopts cod
   "and now a number from my friend" pose.

                               FATHER
       Not like that!

   But the music doesn't stop and the CROWD starts to sing.

                               CROWD
       He's going to tell.

                               FATHER
       Shut up!

                               CROWD
       He's going to tell ...

                               FATHER
           (screaming)
       Shut UP!

    As the song starts the FATHER tries yelling at them and eventually gives
    up.  SIR LAUNCELOT joins CONCORDE in the CROWD.
|
|                              LAUNCELOT
|      We must escape.  Quickly before the song.
|
|                              CONCORDE
|      Come with me, sir.
|
|                              LAUNCELOT
|      You're not right for this genre ... I must escape more dramatically.
|
+
+                              CONCORDE
+      Quickly, sir, come this way!
+
+                              LAUNCELOT
+      No!  It's not right for my idiom.  I must escape more  ... more ...
+
+                              CONCORDE
+      Dramatically, sir?
+
+                              LAUNCELOT
+      Dramatically.
+
                               CROWD
       He's going to tell
       He's going to tell
       He's going to tell about his great escape.
       Oh he fell a long long way
       But he's here with us today
       What a wonderful ... escape.

   CONCORDE goes.  SIR LAUNCELOT runs back up the stairs, grabs a rope
   of the wall and swings out over the heads of the CROWD in a
   swashbuckling manner towards a large window.  He stops just short
   of the window and is left swing pathetically back and forth.
+
+                              LAUNCELOT
+      Excuse me ... could somebody give me a push ...
+

25 EXTERIOR - A DESERTED VILLAGE - DUSK

   Toothless old CRONE by the roadside.  ARTHUR and BEDEVERE and two PAGES
   ride up and draw up alongside the CRONE.

                               ARTHUR
        Is there anywhere where we could buy a shrubbery?

   The OLD CRONE crosses herself with a look of stark terror.

                               CRONE
       Who sent you?

                               ARTHUR
       The Knights Who Say Ni!

                               CRONE
       Aaaagh!
           (she looks around in rear)
       No!  We have no shrubberies here.

                               BEDEVERE
       Surely, there must be.
|
|  ARTHUR restrains from threatening the LADY.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|          (aside)
|      It will be not good to argue.  These simple people are terrified
|      of the Knights Who Say Ni!
|
|                              CRONE
|          (she cowers)
|      Ohhh!
|
|  ARTHUR takes BEDEVERE further aside.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      There is only one way to get the information we want ...
|
|                              BEDEVERE
|      Send her a letter from a long way away?
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      Er, no ... no, we must ...
|
|                              BEDEVERE
|      Talk to her in funny voices?
|
|                              ARTHUR
|          (slightly crossly)
|      No ...
|
|                              BEDEVERE
|      How about trying ourselves to a tree?
|
|                              ARTHUR
|          (grittily)
|      No.  Our only hope is to make her as afraid of us as she is of
|      the awful Knights Who Say Ni!
|
|                              BEDEVERE
|          (sagely)
|      Ah!  Hit ourselves with a big rock ...
|
|  He nods knowingly.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|          (tolerantly but firmly)
|      No.  Nothing we do to ourselves will frighten her as much as
|      what we can do to her ...
|
|                              BEDEVERE
|      Ah!
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      We must threaten to say "Ni"!
|
|                              BEDEVERE
|          (terror)
|      Oh, no.
|
|  They reapproach the OLD CRONE who is cowering more than ever.
|
                               ARTHUR
       Listen, old crone!  Unless you tell us where we can buy a
       shrubbery, my friend and I will ... we will say "Ni!"

                               CRONE
       Do your worst!
|      I have herd the Knights say "Ni"! in the night.  I have herd the
|      hideous Peng! and they have said "Nee-wum"! to my sister but still
|      I have not revealed ...

                               ARTHUR
       Very well, old crone.  Since you will not assist us voluntarily
       ... "Ni"!

                               CRONE
       No.  Never.  No shrubberies.

                               ARTHUR
       Ni!

                               BEDEVERE
       Nu!

                               ARTHUR
       No.  Ni!  More like this. "Ni"!

                               BEDEVERE
       Ni, ni, ni!

                               ARTHUR
|      It's not working.
       You're not doing it properly.  Ni!

                               BEDEVERE
       Ni!

                               ARTHUR
       That's it.  Ni!  Ni!

   A PASSER-BY on a horse is observing them.

                               ROGER
       Are you saying "Ni" to that old woman?

                               ARTHUR
       Erm, yes.

                               ROGER
       Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can say "Ni"
       at will to old ladies.  There is a pestilence upon this land!
       nothing is sacred.  Even those who arrange and design
       shrubberies are under considerable economic stress
       at this point in time.

                               ARTHUR
       Did you say shrubberies?

                               ROGER
       Yes.  Shrubberies are my trade.  I am a shrubber.  My name
       is Roger the Shrubber.  I arrange, design, and sell shrubberies.

                               BEDEVERE
           (rather aggressively, to ROGER)
       Ni!

                               ARTHUR
       No.  No.  No!


26 EXTERIOR - GLADE - DUSK

   CUT TO the glade in the forest again.

                               ARTHUR
        Oh, Knights of Ni, here is your shrubbery.  May we go now?

                               TALL KNIGHT
       That is a good shrubbery.  I like the laurels particularly -
       But there is one small problem.

                               ARTHUR
       What is that?

                               TALL KNIGHT
       We are now no longer the Knights Who Say Ni!

                               ONE KNIGHT
       Ni!

                               OTHERS
       Sh!

                               ONE KNIGHT
           (wispers)
       Sorry.

                               TALL KNIGHT
       We are now the Knights Who Go Neeeow ... wum ... ping!

                               OTHERS
       Ni!

                               OTHERS
       Ni!

                               ONE KNIGHT
       Peng!

                               OTHERS
       Ni!

                               OTHERS
       Sh!  Sh!

                               TALL KNIGHT
       Therefore ... we are no longer contractually bound by any agreements
       previously entered into by the Knights Who Say Ni!

                               ONE KNIGHT
       Ni!

                               ANOTHER
       Peng!

                               ANOTHER
       Sh!

                               TALL KNIGHT
       Shut up!
           (to ARTHUR)
       Therefore, we must give you a test, a Test to satisfy the Knights who
       say Neeeow ... wum ... ping!

                               OTHERS
         (terrific chorus)
       Neeeow ... wum ... ping!

                               ARTHUR
       What is this test, Knights of N...
           (can't say it)
       ... Recently Knights of Ni!

                               KNIGHT
       Ni!

                               TALL KNIGHT
       Firstly.  You must get us another shrubbery!

                               OTHER KNIGHTS
           (half seen)
       More shrubberies!  More shrubberies for the ex-Knights of Ni!

                               ARTHUR
       Not another shrubbery -

                               TALL KNIGHT
       When you have found the shrubbery, place the shrubbery here,
       beside this shrubbery ... only slightly higher, so you get a
       two-level effect with a path through the middle.

                               OTHER KNIGHTS
       A path!  A little path for the late Knights of Ni!

   Chorus of "Ni!  Ni!"

                               TALL KNIGHT
       When you have found the shrubbery, then you must cut
       down the mightiest tree in the forest ... with a herring.

                               OTHER KNIGHTS
       Yes!  With a herring!  With a herring!  Cut down with a herring!

                               ARTHUR
       We shall do no such thing ... let us pass!

                               TALL KNIGHT
       Oh, please!

                               ARTHUR
       Cut down a tree with a herring?  It can't be done!

                               OTHER KNIGHTS
           (they all recoil in horror)
       Oh!

                               TALL KNIGHT
       Don't say that word.

                               ARTHUR
       What word?

                               TALL KNIGHT
       I cannot tell you.  Suffice to say is one of the words
       the Knights of Ni! cannot hear!

                               ARTHUR
       How can we not say the word, if you don't tell us what it is?

                               TALL KNIGHT
           (cringing in fear)
       You said it again!

                               ARTHUR
       What, "is"?

                               TALL KNIGHT
           (dismissively)
       No, no ... not "is"!

                               OTHER KNIGHTS
       Not "is"!  Not "is"!

   Suddenly singing is heard from deep in the forest.

                               SIR ROBIN'S SINGERS
       Bravely good Sir Robin was not at all afraid
       To have his eyeballs skewered ...

                               TALL KNIGHT
           (irritated)
       "Is" is all right ... You wouldn't get far not saying "Is"!

                               BEDEVERE
       My liege, it's Sir Robin!

                               TALL KNIGHT
           (covering his ears)
       You've said the word again!

   SIR ROBIN and his SINGERS appear in the clearing.  The SINGERS are going on
   cheerfully as usual and ROBIN walks in front of them, continually
   embarrassed at their presence.

                               SINGERS
       ... and his kidneys burnt and his nipples skewered off ...

   ROBIN holds his hand up for silence.

                               ARTHUR
       Sir Robin!

   He shakes his hand warmly.

                               ROBIN
    My liege!  It's good to have found you again ...

                               TALL KNIGHT
    Now he's said the word!

                               ARTHUR
    Where are you going good Sir Robin?

                               ROBIN'S SINGERS
           (starting up again)
       He was going home ... he was giving up,
       He was throwing in the sponge.

                               ROBIN
           (to SINGERS)
       Shut up!  No ... er ... no ... I ... er ... I ... er ... I certainly
       wasn't giving up ... I was actually looking for the grail ...
       er thing ... in this forest.

                               ARTHUR
       No ... it lies beyond this forest.

                               TALL KNIGHT
       Stop saying the word!

                               OTHER KNIGHTS
       Stop saying the word!  The word we cannot hear!  The word ...

                               ARTHUR
           (losing his patience with the fearful KNIGHTS OF "NI")
       Oh, stop it!

   Terrific confusion amongst the KNIGHTS OF "NI", they roll on the ground
   covering their ears.  The TALL KNIGHT remains standing trying to control
   his MEN.

                               OTHER KNIGHTS
       They're all saying the word ...

                               TALL KNIGHT
       Stop saying it.  AAAArghh! ... I've said it ...

                               OTHER KNIGHTS
       You've said it!  Aaaaarghhh! ... We've said it ... Wwe're all saying it
.

   ARTHUR beckons to BEDEVERE and ROBIN and they pick their way through
   the helpless KNIGHTS OF "NI" and away into the forest.


27 EXTERIOR - HISTORIAN'S GLADE - DAY

   We CUT TO an almost subliminal shot of the HISTORIAN'S WIFE being shown
   into a police car, which then roars off out of the glade

|   CUT BACK to the forest.  The Knights of "NI" are slowly recovering.  they
|   get up.
|
|                              TALL KNIGHT
|      Well, At least We've got ONE shrubbery.
|
|                              OTHER KNIGHTS
|      Yes, Yes ... We've Done very Well ...  NI!
|
|                              TALL KNIGHT
|      Ssh! I think somebody's coming.  We'll get them to give us
|      another shrubbery.
|
|                              OTHER KNIGHTS
|      Good Idea.  More shrubberies.  As many as possible.
|
|   Perhaps we start to TRACK BACK from the scene as they go on talking.
|
|                              TALL KNIGHT
|      What shall we call ourselves this time?
|
|                              KNIGHT
|      How about "The knights of Nicky-Nicky"?
|
|
|28 EXTERIOR - DAY
|
|   A Small group of PEASANTS are being shuffled into a group formation, at th
e
|   apparent direction of someone behind the camera.  A Few coughs
|   as they shuffle together.  a moment of silence.  then they burst
|   into pleasant (melliflubus) song.
|
|   Song:   When the trees do blossom full
|           and all the hills are green
|           Oh! Oh! We sing
|           hey! hey! We sing
|           our count....ry Song...
|
|   A hail of arrow hits them and they crumple up.  sound of raucous
|   laughter OFF CAMERA.
|
|   CUT TO Reveal a firing squad of ARCHERS kneeling not ten feet away from
|   the group of SINGERS.
|
|   Sitting on the throne on a dais is KING BRIAN THE WILD.  He is roaring wit
h
|   roaring with laughter.  and his court is slightly shabby - bearing all the
|   marks of a faded richness.  it is a court without women, and nobody
|   does the washing or shaves very well. perhaps there is washing however
|   on the line over the castle.  KING BRIAN'S ADVISERS stand around
|   him.   Everyone bears the signs of past injuries (Except for BRIAN
|   himself) I.E. they have an arm in a sling or head bandaged; all the people
|   at court, except for BRIAN have their left arm missing (possibly
|   the result of some violent edict a few years back)
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO! HO! HA! HA! HA! HA!
|      Oh! Very good! Next!
|
|                              FIRST ADVISER
|          (a Little uncomfortably - perhaps his arm is in a sling obviously
|           giving him some pain)
|      There are no more, Sir.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|          (grabbing him by the collar)
|      What do'you mean you filthy dog!
|
|                              FIRST ADVISER
|      There are no more close harmony groups in the kingdom, Sir.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      No more close harmony groups!!!
|
|                              FIRST ADVISER
|      We have scoured the kingdom.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|          (lifting him bodily into the air and breaking his
|           arm again slightly)
|      You Miserable worm! you wretch! You Walking son of a dunghill keeper!
|      Guards!
|
|   Two Rather shabby looking GUARDS approach. (as everyone else they also
|   have their left arms missing)
|
|                              FIRST ADVISER
|      have mercy your MAJESTY!
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|   GUARDS! Take him away and suspend him by his nostrils from the highest
|   tree in the kingdom!
|
|   The Guards grab him unmercifully and drag him off.  he whines piteously.
|
|
|29 EXTERIOR - DAY
|
|   CUT BACK to the glade where the KNIGHTS OF NI! were.  A police car
|   roars up.  Two PLAIN CLOTHES DETECTIVE and a CONSTABLE get out, look
|   around suspiciously, perhaps kneel and examine the ground. one POLICEMAN
|   finds PATSY's shoe and the other finds a strange scientific instrument tha
t
|   was hanging from BEDEVERE.
|
|   They nod grimly to each other. Climb back in the car and drive off.
|
|
|30 EXTERIOR - DAY
|
|   Back in KING BRIAN's Court. the FIRST ADVISER has been dragged off.  there
|   are muffled screams coming from the nearby tree.  the FIRST ADVISER
|   is being hauled up it on pulleys.
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|      Your Majesty, I can Find you a Lute player, whose music is passing
|      sweet.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      It's not the same, You thick-headed fool!
|          (KING BRIAN hits him on the back of the head.  he falls.)
|      There's no fun in killing soloists!
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|          (picking himself up)
|      He may have a friend...
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      GUARDS!
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|      Oh Please your majesty!  Please!
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      Take him away and tie his kidneys to the longest hedge in the kingdom!
|
|   The GUARDS drag the ADVISER roughly away.
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|      No!
|          (he is dragged off screaming and protesting)
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|          (roaring at the rest of the court)
|      I will personally disembowel the next little bastard who tells me that
|      there are no more close harmony ...
|
|   At this moment we hear faintly the sound of singing. KING BRIAN stopped
|   to listen.  The entire COURT turns thankfully towards the mellifluous
|   sounds.
|
|      We're the knights of the round table
|      our shows are formidable
|      but many times we're given rhymes
|      that are quite unsingable...
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      Wait a minute! Five point harmony with a counter-tenor lead!
|
|   Various members of the COURT sigh and breathe more easily.
|
|                              CREEP
|      Thank goodness.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      Shut up!
|          (punches him right on the end of the nose and shouts to the
|           SECOND ADVISER)
|      Oy you!
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|          (doubled-up, Surrounded by soldiers busy with his stomach)
|      Yes, Your majesty?
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      Go and get 'em!
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|          (gratefully)
|       Thank you sir!
|          (He staggers off with some difficulty)
|
|                              GUARD
|      'ere... We'd just started taking his kidneys out.
|
|   CUT TO ARTHUR,BEDEVERE,GALAHAD and LANCELOT.  (Garwin,thrstam, Hecrot)
|   plus all their pages.  there are riding along singing cheerily.
|
|                              KNIGHTS
|      We're baby mad and Camelot
|      we nurse and push the pram a lot
|      in war we're tough and able
|      quite indefatigable
|      between our quests we sequin vests
|      and dress like betty gable
|      it's a...
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|      HALT!
|
|                              SIR GALAHAD
|      Who are you who dares to halt the knights of king Arthur's round table
|      in mid-verse?
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|      I bring greetings from the court of king Brian.
|
|                              SIR LANCELOT
|      King Brian the wild?
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|      Some call him that, but he's calmed down allot recently.
|
|                              SIR GALAHAD
|      Are those YOUR kidneys?
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|          (covering his stomach)
|      No no... It's nothing - just a flesh wound.
|          (The KNIGHTS look at each other)
|      he has herd your beautiful melody; and wishes you to come to his court,
|      that he may listen at his ease ooh!
|
|                              SIR LANCELOT
|      You must be joking!
|          (general murmur or agreement from the other KNIGHTS.)
|      Go to the court of king Brian the wild and sing close harmony!
|
|                              OTHER KNIGHTS
|      No fear etc.
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|          (in increasing pain)
|      It need not be close harmony oooh agh!
|
|                              SIR GALAHAD
|      Ah but it would get round to close harmony, wouldn't it?
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|      Not necessarily ... As I say king Brian is much more relaxed than
|      he used to be.
|
|                              SIR GALAHAD
|      I mean could we just stick to one line of plainsong with a bit of
|      straight choral work?
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|      Well obviously he'd prefer a bit of close harmony arghhh!
|
|                              KNIGHTS
|      Ah! There you are!
|
|                              SIR LAUNCELOT
|      We'd end un-like the Shalott Choral Society.
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|      Oh that was an accident - honestly he's so calm now oh!
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      No we must be on our way.
|
|   They start off.
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|          (by now lying on the ground at his last gasp but still trying to
|           sound threatening)
|      If you don't come and sing for him ... ah ... he'll drive ... oh
|      ... iron spikes though your heads.
|
|                              KNIGHTS
|      Ah! That sounds more like Brian the wild!
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|          (looking helplessly at his intestines)
|      He ... he ... still gets irritable occasionally.
|
|                              SIR GALAHAD
|      Like with close harmony groups.
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|      Ooh ... Look if you're scared ...
|
|                              SIR LANCELOT
|      We're not SCARED!
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|          (With his last ounce of strength)
|      Very well! King Brian challenges your to sing before him in close
|      harmony!
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      A challenge?
|
|   The KNIGHTS look at each other rather taken aback but an idealistic glow
|   suffuses KING ARTHUR's eyes as he looks heaven-wards. The other KNIGHTS
|   look at him rather fearfully.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|          (majestacally)
|      It is a challenge.  We cannot refuse.
|
|                              SIR GALAHAD
|      King Brian's a fucking looney.
|
|                              SECOND ADVISER
|      Great!
|          (dies)
|
|                              SIR GALAHAD
|      Are you all right?
|
|   CUT TO KING BRIAN the wild on his dias.  he sees the KNIGHTS enter
|   the arena.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      Ah good!
|
|   CUT TO TRUMPETERS who executes a rather bad fanfare full of missed
|   notes.  meanwhile various SHOTS of preparation.
|
|   KING BRIAN settling down.
|
|   KNIGHTS being led up to the podium. the last of the previous close harmony
|   group is being loaded onto a cart and pushed away by the cart driver
|   from scene tow (Perhaps we see him being paid off)
|
|   SHOT of KING BRIAN on his podium and the HERALD being untied and having
|   his gag removed.
|
|   SHOT of ARTHUR and KNIGHTS getting into a group on the podium still
|   rather nervous.
|
|   The fanfare comes to an end, and several wrong notes.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|          (who can't wait)
|      RIGHT! Carry on gentleman.
|
|                              HERALD
|      KING BRIAN SAYS CARRY ON!
|
|                              ARTHUR
|          (wispering)
|      All right ... two tenor lines - I'll take the base.
|
|   They all nod.
|
|      One... Two... Three...
|
|   Sound of Bows being drown very near by.
|
|   ARTHUR looks up and frowns.
|
|   CUT to reveal a line of twenty ARCHERS they all have their left leg
|   missing, but they DO have two arms.
|
|   Their arrows are drawn back and point directly at ARTHUR & CO.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      Hold it! Err ... King Brian!
|
|                              HERALD
|          (Louder than ever)
|      ARTHUR OF CAMELOT ADDRESSES THEE OH MIGHTY KING BRIAN!
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|           (trueulently)
|      What?
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      What are THEY For?
|          (Indicates the archers)
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      Them? they're... just to show you where the audience would be.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      Well we'd prefer to do it without an audience.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      Oh you've GOT to have an AUDIENCE!
|
|                              HERALD
|      KING BRIAN THE WISE AND GOOD RULER OF THIS LAND SAYS YOU'VE GOT TO
|      HAVE AN AUDIENCE!
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      We'd rather give a private recital.
|
|                              HERALD
|      THEY SAY THEY'D RATHER GIVE A PRIVATE RECITAL! O WISE GOOD AND JUST
|      KING BRIAN AND NOT THE LEAST BIT WILD!
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|          (to himself)
|      Turds...
|
|   HE nods to the ARCHERS who turn and hop smartly off in step.
|
|                              ONE-LEGGED RSM
|      Left ... Left ... Left, left, left, left
|      Left ... Left ... Left, left, left, left.
|
|   They hop round behind a long fence and disappear from sight
|   (Fence needs to be about 7 or 9 feet high)
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      Right! Ready when you are.
|
|                              HERALD
|      KING BRIAN IS READY!
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      And ... One ... Two ... Three ... Four ...
|
|   They are just about to sing when the ARCHERS, bows read and arrows points,
|   peep over the top of the fence.
|
|      HOLD IT!
|
|                              SIR GAWAIN
|          (singing)
|      We're
|
|   Quick flash of ARCHERS sensed to fire, one tires to hold his shot back but
|   fails and fires his arrows by accident in the air.
|
|   Quick flash of FIRST ADVISER who is hanging by his nostrils from the
|   highest tree in the kingdom, moaning, getting hit by the arrow.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      What is it now?
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      We're not entirely happy with the acoustics.
|
|                              HERALD
|      THEY'RE NOT ENTIRELY HAPPY WITH...
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|          (impatiently)
|      Oh Sod the acoustics!  Get on with the singing!
|
|                              HERALD
|      KING BRIAN SAYS SOD THE ACOUSTICS!
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      In that case we shall just have to perform elsewhere.
|          (turns to his knights and begins to usher them off)
|
|                              HERALD
|      THEY SAY IN THAT CASE THEY SHALL HAVE TO PERFORM ELSEWHERE, O RICH,
|      FAMOUS AND EXTREMELY CALM KING!
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|          (getting very angry and dribbling slightly)
|      NO! you've GOT to sing on the target are - er - convert ... er ...
|      thing ...
|
|                              HERALD
|      KING BRIAN HAS STUMBLED OVER HIS WORDS! WHAT A WONDERFULLY HUMAN
|      INCIDENT.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      Don't editorialize!
|
|                              HERALD
|      SORRY, KING.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      Come on you bastards! Sing close harmony!
|
|   KING BRIAN snaps his finders and the ARCHERS rise above the fence without
|   any pretence it concealment - fitting arrows into their bows.
|
|                              HERALD
|      KING BRIAN CALLS THEM BASTARDS AND DEMANDS TO HEAD CLOSE HARMONY!
|      WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      I said don't.
|
|                              HERALD
|      Sorry, King.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      Right! On the count of three ... one ...
|
|                              HERALD
|      THE KING'S SAID ONE!
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      Two!
|
|                              HERALD
|      THE KING'S SAID TWO! THEY'VE ONLY GOT ONE LEFT!
|
|   We hear the sound of bows being drawn back.  Tension mounts.  the KNIGHTS
|   all look pretty grim.  The end is clearly pretty near.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|          (face in a paroxysm of blood-lust)
|      Three!
|
|                              HERALD
|      THREE!
|
|   Sound in the distance of beautiful close harmony singing
|
|      "Bravely, good sir robin was not at all afraid..."
|
|   CUT TO see SIR ROBIN and his MINSTRELS approaching from round a corner
|   of the castle. SIR ROBIN walks a few feet in from of the them looking
|   rather embarrassed.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|          (turning to the sound)
|      FANTASTIC!
|
|   CUT BACK TO ROBIN'S MINSTRELS
|
|      "To have his eyeballs skewered and his kidneys ... argh!"
|
|   They are suddenly pin-cushioned with arrows.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      HA! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO! HO!
|      Oh bloody marvellous!
|
|   ROBIN turns and looks at the decimated remains of his MINSTRELS, surprised
|   but relieved.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      Sir Robin! this way!
|
|   ARTHUR leads is MEN off the platform and they are joined by their PAGES an
d
|   make good their escape.
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO! HO!
|
|                              HERALD
|      KING BRIAN'S SHOT THE WRONG GROUP!
|
|                              KING BRIAN
|      Shut up!
|
|   HE swings his sword and slices the HERALD'S head off.
|
|                              HERALD'S HEAD
|          (as it rolls away)
|      PRESS FREEDOM INFRINGED!
|

28 EXTERIOR - BEYOND FOREST - DAY - ANIMATION

   Shots of ARTHUR etc.  Riding out of the forest.  They leave the forest and
   they meet LAUNCELOT and GALAHAD.

                               VOICE OVER
       And so Arthur and Bedevere and Sir Robin set out on their search to
       find the Enchanter of whom the old man had spoken in scene twenty-four.
       Beyond the forest they met Launcelot and Galahad, and there was much
       rejoicing.


29 EXTERIOR - ANOTHER LANDSCAPE - DAY - ANIMATION

                               VOICE OVER
       In the frozen land of Nador, they were forced to eat Robin's
       minstrels ...  And there was much rejoicing ... A year passed ...

   MONTAGE of shots of the KNIGHTS.

       Autumn changed into Winter ... Winter changed into Spring ...  Spring
       changed back into Autumn and Autumn gave Winter and Spring a miss and
       went straight on into Summer ...  Until one day ...


30 EXTERIOR - WASTES - DAY

   The KNIGHTS are riding along the top of a ridge.  The country is wild and
   inhospitable.  Suddenly some of them see fire in the distance and ride
   towards it.  As they approach they see an impressive WIZARD figure striding
   around conjuring up fire from the ground and causing various bushes and
   branches to burst into flame.

                               ARTHUR
       What manner of man are you that can conjure up fire without flint
       or tinder?

                               TIM
       I am an enchanter.

   ARTHUR looks at BEDEVERE.

                               ARTHUR
       By what name are you known?

                               TIM
       There are some who call me Tim?

                               ARTHUR
       Greetings Tim the Enchanter!

                               TIM
       Greetings King Arthur.

                               ARTHUR
       You know my name?

                               TIM
       I do.
           (does another fire trick)
       You seek the Holy Grail.

                               ARTHUR
       That is our quest.  You know much that is hidden O Tim.

                               TIM
           (does another fire trick)
       Quite.

   Ripple of applause from the KNIGHTS.

                               ARTHUR
       Yes we seek the Holy Grail.
           (clears throat very quietly)
       Our quest is to find the Holy Grail.

                               ONE OR TWO KNIGHTS
       Yes it is.

                               ARTHUR
       And so we're looking for it.

                               KNIGHTS
       Yes, we are.

                               BEDEVERE
       We have been for some time.

                               KNIGHTS
       Yes.

                               ROBIN
       Months.

                               ARTHUR
       Yes ... and obviously any help we get is ... is very ... helpful.

                               GALAHAD
       Do you know where it ...

   TIM does another fire trick.

                               ALL OTHER KNIGHTS
       Sssssh!

                               ARTHUR
       Fine ... well er ... we mustn't take up anymore of your time ...
       I don't suppose ... sorry to sort of keep on about it ... you
       haven't by any chance ... aaah ... any idea where one might
       find ... a ... aaa ...

                               TIM
       What?

                               ARTHUR
       A G...g...g...

                               TIM
       A Grail?

   They all jump slightly and look about apprehensively.

                               ARTHUR
       Er ... yes ... I think so.

                               ALL OTHER KNIGHTS
       Yes.

                               TIM
       Yes.

                               KNIGHTS
       Fine.

                               ROBIN
       Splendid!

                               OTHERS
       Yes, marvellous.

   TIM looks thoughtful and they all stand around a little.  Then TIM produces
   another fire trick producing several different colours.

                               ARTHUR
       Look, you're a busy man ...

                               TIM
       Yes, I can help you with your guest.

   Slight pause.

                               ALL OTHER KNIGHTS
       Thank you.  Yes, thank you very much.

                               TIM
       To the north there lies a cave,  the cave of Caerbannog,
       wherein, carved in mystic runes, upon the very living rock,
       the last words of Olfin Bedwere of Rheged ...

   There is a thunderclap and a wind starts.  They KNIGHTS get nervous.

                               TIM
        ... make plain the last resting place of the most Holy Grail.

                               ARTHUR
       How shall we find this cave, O Tim?

                               TIM
       Follow!

   The KNIGHTS register delight and wheel round on themselves.

       But follow only if you are men of valour.  For the entrance
       to this cave is guarded by a monster, a creature so foul
       and cruel that no man yet has fought with it and lived.
       Bones of full fifty men lie strewn about its lair ...
       therefore sweet knights if you may doubt your strength or courage
       come no further, for death awaits you all with nasty pointy teeth.
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      What an eccentric performance!
+

31 EXTERIOR - DAY

   CUT TO impressive rock face with caves in it.  The KNIGHTS are 'riding'
   towards it.  A foreboding atmosphere supervenes.  TIM gives a signal for
   quietness.  ARTHUR shushes the 'horses'.

                               ARTHUR
       Shhh!

   The PAGES decrease the amount of noise they are making with the coconuts
   for a few seconds.  Then there is a burst of noise from them including
   whinnying.

                               BEDEVERE
           (to ARTHUR)
       They're nervous, sire.

                               ARTHUR
       Then we'd best leave them here and carry on on foot.

   TIM takes a strange look at them.  They walk on leaving the PAGES behind.
   After a few more strides TIM halts them with a sign.

                               TIM
       Behold the Cave of Caerbannog!

   CUT TO shot of cave.  Bones littered around.  The KNIGHTS get the wind
   up partially.  A little dry ice, glowing green can be seen at the
   entrance.  Suddenly we become aware of total silence.  Any noises the
   KNIGHTS make sound very exaggerated.  They unsheathe their swords.

                               ARTHUR
       Keep me covered.

   Stir among KNIGHTS.

                               BEDEVERE
       What with?

                               ARTHUR
       Just keep me covered.

                               TIM
       Too late.

                               ARTHUR
       What?

                               TIM
       There he is!

   They all turn,, and see a large white RABBIT lollop a few yards out of the
   cave.  Accompanied by terrifying chord and jarring metallic monster noise.

                               ARTHUR
       Where?

                               TIM
       There.

                               ARTHUR
       Behind the rabbit?

                               TIM
       It is the rabbit.

                               ARTHUR
       ... You silly sod.

                               TIM
       What?

                               ARTHUR
       You got us all worked up.

                               BEDEVERE
       You cretin!

                               TIM
       That is not an ordinary rabbit ... 'tis the most foul cruel
       and bad-tempered thing you ever set eyes on.

                               ROBIN
       You tit.  I soiled my armour I was so scared!

                               TIM
       That rabbit's got a vicious streak. It's a killer!

                               GALAHAD
|      Oh, fuck off.
+      Get stuffed.

                               TIM
       He'll do you up a treat mate!

                               GALAHAD
       Oh yeah?

                               ROBIN
|      You turd!
+      Mangy scots git!

                               TIM
       Look.  I'm warning you.

                               ROBIN
       What's he do?  Nibble your bum?

                               TIM
       Well, It's got huge ... very sharp ... it can jump a...
       look at the bones.

                               ARTHUR
       Go on, Bors, chop its head off.

                               BORS
       Right.  Silly little bleeder.  One rabbit stew coming up.

                               TIM
       Look!

   As TIM points they all spin round to see the RABBIT leap at BORS'
   throat with an appalling scream.  From a distance of about twenty feet
   there is a tin opening noise, a cry from BORS.  A quick CLOSE-UP
   of a savage RABBIT biting through tin and BORS' head flies off.  The
   RABBIT leaps back to the mouth of the cave and sits there looking
   in the KNIGHTS' direction and growling menacingly.

                               ARTHUR
       Je...sus Christ!

                               TIM
       I warned you!

                               ROBIN
       I done it again.

                               TIM
       Did I tell you?  Did you listen to me?  Oh no, no, you knew better
       didn't you?  No, it's just an ordinary rabbit isn't it.  The names you
       called me.  Well, don't say I didn't tell you.

                               ARTHUR
       Oh, shut up.

                               TIM
           (quietly)
       It's always the same ... if I've said it once.

                               ARTHUR
       Charge!

   They all charge with swords drawn towards the RABBIT.  A tremendous twenty
   second fight with Peckinpahish shots and borrowing heavily also on the
   Kung Fu and karate-type films ensues, in which some four KNIGHTS are
   comprehensively killed.

       Run away!  Run away!

                               ALL KNIGHTS
           (taking up cry)
       Run away!  Run away!

   They run down from the cave and hide, regrouping behind some rocks.  TIM,
   some way away, is pointing at them and laughing derisively.

                               TIM
       Ha ha ha.  Ha ha ha.

                               ARTHUR
       Who did we lose?

                               LAUNCELOT
       Sir Gawain.

                               GALAHAD
       Ector.

                               ARTHUR
       And Bors.  Five.
+
+                              GALAHAD
+      Three, sir!
+
                               ARTHUR
       Three.  Well, we'll not risk another frontal
       assault.  That rabbit's dynamite.

                               ROBIN
       Would it help to confuse him if we ran away more.

                               ARTHUR
       Shut up.  Go and change your armour.

   ROBIN leaves, walking strangely.

                               GALAHAD
       Let us taunt it.  It may become so cross that it will make
       a mistake.

                               ARTHUR
       Like what?

   GALAHAD cannot find a suitable answer to this.

                               GALAHAD
       Do we have any bows?

                               ARTHUR
       No.

                               LAUNCELOT
       We have the Holy Hand Grenade.

                               ROBIN
       The what?

                               ARTHUR
       The Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.  'Tis one of the sacred
       relics Brother Maynard always carries with him.

                               ALL
       Yes. Of course.

                               ARTHUR
           (shouting)
       Bring up the Holy Hand Grenade!

   Slight pause.  Then from the area where the 'HORSES' are, a small group
   of MONKS process forward towards the KNIGHTS, the leading MONK bearing
   and ornate golden reliquary, and the accompanying MONKS chanting and
   waving incense.  They reach the KNIGHTS.  The hand grenade is suffused
   with the holy glow.

   ARTHUR takes it.  Pause

                               ARTHUR
       How does it ... er ...

                               LAUNCELOT
       I know not.

                               ARTHUR
       Consult the Book of Armaments.

                               BROTHER MAYNARD
       Armaments Chapter Two Verses Nine to Twenty One.

                               ANOTHER MONK
           (reading from bible)
       And St.  Attila raised his hand grenade up on high saying
       "O Lord bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow
       thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy. "and the Lord did grin and
       people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies
       and orang-utans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and...

                               BROTHER MAYNARD
       Skip a bit brother ...

                               ANOTHER MONK
       ... Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying, "First shalt thou
       take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more,
       no less.  Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the
       number of the counting shalt be three.  Four shalt thou not count,
       neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three.
       Five is right out.  Once the number three, being the third number,
       be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch
       towards thou foe, who being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.

                               ARTHUR
       Right.

   He pulls Pin out.  The MONK blesses the grenade as ...

                               ARTHUR
          (quietly)
       One, two
|      , three ...
+      , five ...
+
+                              GALAHAD
+      Three, sir!
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      Three.
+
   ARTHUR throws the grenade at the RABBIT.  There is an explosion and cheerin
g
   from the KNIGHTS.

                               ALL KNIGHTS
       Praise be to the lord.  Huzzah!

32 INTERIOR - CAVE - DAY

   MIX THROUGH TO the KNIGHTS entering the cave.  It is a large cave and as
   they walk inside it we see in the darkness at the side of the cave
   a fearsome looking CREATURE which watches them with some surprise
   as they walk to some writing carved on the back of the cave wall.
   The KNIGHTS are accompanied by BROTHER MAYNARD.

                               ARTHUR
       There!  Look!

                               BEDEVERE
       What does it say?

                               GALAHAD
       What language is this?

                               BEDEVERE
       Brother Maynard, you are a scholar.

                               BROTHER MAYNARD
       It is Aramaic!

                               GALAHAD
       Of course.  Joseph of Aramathea!

                               ALL
       Of course.

                               ARTHUR
       What does it say?

                               BROTHER MAYNARD
       It reads ... "Here may be found the last words of Joseph of
       Aramathea."

   Excitement.

       "He who is valorous and pure of heart may find the Holy Grail
        in the aaaaarrrrrrggghhh..."

                               ARTHUR
       What?

                               BROTHER MAYNARD
        "The Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh..."

                               BEDEVERE
       What's that?

                               BROTHER MAYNARD
       He must have died while carving it.

                               BEDEVERE
       Oh, come on.

                               BROTHER MAYNARD
       That's what it says.

                               ARTHUR
           (miming)
       But if he was dying, he wouldn't bother to carve "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh".
       He'd just say it.

                               BROTHER MAYNARD
       It's down there carved in stone.

                               GALAHAD
       Perhaps he was dictating.

                               ARTHUR
       Shut up.  Is that all it says?

                               BROTHER MAYNARD
       That's all.  "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh".

                               ARTHUR
       "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh".

                               BEDEVERE
       Do you think he meant the Camargue?

                               GALAHAD
       Where's that?

                               BEDEVERE
       France, I think.

                               LAUNCELOT
       Isn't there a St. Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh's in Cornwall?

                               ARTHUR
       No, that's Saint Ives.

   A muffled roar is heard.
|
|                              ROBIN
|      Hey!
|
|                              BEDEVERE
|      No, that's in Herefordshire.
|
|                              ROBIN
|          (more urgently)
|      No ... HEY!!!
|
|                              LAUNCELOT
|      "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh ... "
|
|                              ROBIN
|      No!  "Hey"! is surprise and alarm!
+
+                              BEDEVERE
+      Oooooh!
+
+                              LAUNCELOT
+      No "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh ... " at the back of the throat.
+
+                              BEDEVERE
+      No!  "Oooooh!" in surprise and alarm!
+
   He indicated the entrance of the cave.  They all turn and look.  There in
   the opening is a huge, unpleasant, fairly well drawn cartoon beast.

                               ARTHUR
       Oh!
                               GALAHAD
       My God!

                               LAUNCELOT
       What is it?

                               BEDEVERE
       I know!  I know!  I Know!

                               ARTHUR
       What?

                               BEDEVERE
       It's the ... oh ...
           (snaps his fingers as he tries to remember)
       it's the ... it's on the tip of my tongue ...

   Another hideous roar.

       That's it!

                               ARTHUR
       What?

                               BEDEVERE
       It's The Legendary Black Beast of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!
|
|  At that moment there is a yell and a scream OUT OF VISION.  ARTHUR turns.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      Who was that?
|
|                              HECTOR
|          (from back of group; northern and helpful)
|      It was Sir Alf.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      I didn't know we had a Sir Alf.
|
|                              HECTOR
|      He was feeding it bread.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|          (shouting back)
|      Well, that was a very silly thing to do.  Now the rest of you stand
|      well back from the BLACK BEAST of Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!
|
|                              HECTOR
|      Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!
|
|                              ROBIN
|      Look out.
|
|  The animation MONSTER starts lumbering towards them.  The KNIGHTS retreat
|  into the darkness of the cave.
|
|                              GAWAIN
|          (as they run)
|      It's only a cartoon.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      Sh!

   They run off.  Darkness.  The MONSTER lumbering through on animation.

+                              VOICE OVER
+      As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Arthur
+     and his knights seemed hopeless,  when, suddenly ... the animator
+     suffered a fatal heart attack.
+
+                              ANIMATOR
+      Aaaaagh!
+
+                              VOICE OVER
+      The cartoon peril was no more ... The Quest for Holy Grail
+      could continue.

   ANIMATED SEQUENCE.  Leads through to the group reappearing and seeing a
   distant opening to the cave.  They reach the opening.  It is day.


33 EXTERIOR - DAY

   The KNIGHTS emerge from the mouth of the cave to find themselves in a
   breathtaking, barren landscape.  Glencoe.  They are half they way up
   the side of a mountain.  They rest a few seconds and get their breath
   back.
|
|                              GALAHAD
|     Look!
|
+                              GALAHAD
+     There it is!
+
+                              ARTHUR
+     The Bridge of Death!
+
+                              ROBIN
+          (to himself)
+      Oh! Great ...
|
|   They look and see on the side of the mountain there is a sort of milestone
|   which bears the words:  "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!  5 miles" and an arrow.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      God be praised.  This must be the gorge of which the old man spoke
|      in scene twenty-four.
|
|   The KNIGHTS set off along and rather perilous track edging along
|   the side of the mountain.  GALAHAD is leading.
|
|   MIX THROUGH they are climbing higher.  The path gets more and more
|   slippery and dangerous.  They reach another milestone which says:
|   "Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!  4 miles" and an arrow, and "Ni!  82 miles" and
|   an arrow pointing in the opposite direction.  They go on.  It is
|   dangerous and difficult.  Tension in their faces.
|
|   As they are climbing, BEDEVERE turns to ROBIN and ARTHUR.
|
|                              BEDEVERE
|      We must find the bridge ... the Bridge of Death ...
|
|                              ROBIN
|          (to himself)
|      Oh, great!
|
|                              BEDEVERE
|      The Bridge is guarded by a bridgekeeper, who asks each traveller
|      three questions.  And he who answers the three questions can
|      cross in safety.
|
|                              ROBIN
|          (warily)
|      And if you get a question wrong?
|
|                              BEDEVERE
|      You are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
|
|34 EXTERIOR - DAY
|
|   CUT TO them struggling along.  Perhaps downhill now.  It is growing misty.
|   SIR LAUNCELOT stops them and points.  They peer.
|
|   CUT TO see in the mist ... a weird bridge with mist swirling up from the
|   gorge below.  We cannot see the other side.
|
|   Beside the bridge an OLD MAN stands, he is the blind soothsayer they
|   met earlier in the forest.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|          (to BEDEVERE)
|      He's the Keeper of the Bridge.  It's the old man.
|
|                              BEDEVERE
|          (swallowing hard)
|      Who's going to answer the questions?
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      You go, Robin, and God be with you.
|
|                              ROBIN
|          (looking round wildly)
|      Er ... I tell you what -
|          (lowering voice)
|      Why doesn't Launcelot go?
|
|                              ARTHUR
|          (considering a moment)
|      Very well ... Sir Launcelot.  Brave Sir Launcelot.  This is the Bridge
|      of Death ...
|
|                              LAUNCELOT
|      Oh, yes sir ... I will take it single-handed.
|          (drawing his sword)
|      I will ...
|
|   ARTHUR restrains him.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      No, hang on.  All we want is for you to approach the old man
|      and he will ask you three questions.  Answer those question as
|      best you can, and we will watch ... and pray.
|
|                              LAUNCELOT
|      Yes, my liege ...
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      Good luck, brave Sir Launcelot!  Be careful ...
|
|   They shake hands, Arthur's eyes moisten.  LAUNCELOT approaches the
|   Bridge of Death.
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      Listen to the questions.
+
+                              BEDEVERE
+      Look!  It's the old man from scene 24 - what's he Doing here?
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      He is the keeper of the Bridge.  He asks each traveler five questions .
..+
+                              GALAHAD
+      Three questions.
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      Three questions ... he who answers the five questions
+
+                              GALAHAD
+      Three questions.
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      Three questions, may cross in safety.
+
+                              ROBIN
+          (warily)
+      And if you get a question wrong?
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      You are cast into the Gorge of Eternal Peril.
+
+                              ROBIN
+      Oh ... wacho!
+
+                              GALAHAD
+      Who's going to answer the questions?
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      Sir Robin, Brave Sir Robin you go.
+
+                              ROBIN
+      Hey! I've got a great idea!
+      Why doesn't Launcelot go?
+
+                              LAUNCELOT
+      Yes. Let me.  I will take it single-handed ...
+      I will make feint to the north-east ...
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      No, hang on!  Just answer the five questions ...
+
+                              GALAHAD
+      Three questions ...
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      Three questions ...  And we shall watch ... and pray.
+
+                              LAUNCELOT
+      I understand, my liege.
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      Good luck,  brave Sir Launcelot ...  God be with you.
+
+   LAUNCELOT APPROACHES THE BRIDGEKEEPER.
+
                               BRIDGEKEEPER
       Stop!

   SIR LAUNCELOT stops.  The KNIGHTS watch anxiously.  ARTHUR sniffs briefly
   and glances momentarily down at SIR ROBIN's lower armour.

                               BRIDGEKEEPER
       Who approaches the Bridge of Death
       Must answer me
       These questions three!
       Ere the other side he see.

                               LAUNCELOT
       Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper.  I am not afraid.

                               BRIDGEKEEPER
       What is your name?

                               LAUNCELOT
       My name is Sir Launcelot.

                               BRIDGEKEEPER
       What is your quest?

                               LAUNCELOT
       To find the Holy Grail.

                               BRIDGEKEEPER
       What is your favorite colour?

                               LAUNCELOT
       Blue.

                               BRIDGEKEEPER
       Right.  Off you go.

   SIR LAUNCELOT runs across into the mist.  The bridge perhaps disappears
   into the mist and we cannot see the other side.  ARTHUR and SIR ROBIN
   exchange glances.  ROBIN breathes a great sigh of relief.

                               ROBIN
       That's easy!

                               BRIDGEKEEPER
       Stop!
       Who approacheth the Bridge of Death
       Must answer me
       These questions three!
       Ere the other side he see!

                               ROBIN
       Ask me the questions, Bridgekeeper.  I am not afraid.

                               BRIDGEKEEPER
       What is your name?

                               ROBIN
       My name is Sir Robin of Camelot!

                               BRIDGEKEEPER
       What is your quest?

                               ROBIN
       To seek the Grail!

                               BRIDGEKEEPER
       What is the capital of Assyria?

                               ROBIN
           (indignantly)
       I don't know that!

   He is immediately hurled by some unseen force over the edge of the
   precipice.

                               ROBIN
       Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!


35 EXTERIOR - DAY

   CUT TO SIR LAUNCELOT who is only just arriving on the other side.  He looks
   back across the invisible chasm.  Dimly in the distance he hears:

                               GAWAIN  (OUT OF VISION)
       Sir Gawain of Camelot!

                               BRIDGEKEEPER (OOV)
       What is your quest?

                               GAWAIN (OOV)
       To seek the Holy Grail.
|
|                              BRIDGEKEEPER (OOV)
|      What goes:  black white ... black white ... black white?
|
|                              GAWAIN (OOV)
|      Oh, er ... Babylon!  er ... Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!
|
|   SIR LAUNCELOT stands on the other side of the bridge.  In the
|   distance we hear the ritual of questions and then a scream and thud,
|   suddenly a hand lands on LAUNCELOT's shoulder.
|
|                              POLICEMAN (VOICE OVER)
|      Just want to ask you some questions, sir.
|
|    LAUNCELOT turns and reacts.  He is led away.
|
|
|36 EXTERIOR - LAKE - DAY
|
|   CUT TO ARTHUR, GALAHAD and BEDEVERE struggling towards the lake.
|
|                              BEDEVERE
|          (to ARTHUR)
|      How did you know how many wing-beats a swallow needs to
|      maintain velocity?
|
|                              ARTHUR
|      Oh ... when you're king you know all those things.
+
+                              BRIDGEKEEPER
+      What is your favorite colour?
+
+                              GAWAIN
+      Blue ...  No yelloooooww!
+
+   ARTHUR and BEDEVERE step forward.
+
+                              BRIDGEKEEPER
+      What is your name?
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      It is Arthur, King of the Britons.
+
+                              BRIDGEKEEPER
+      What is your quest?
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      To seek the Holy Grail.
+
+                              BRIDGEKEEPER
+      What is the air-speed velocity of an unladen swallow?
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      What do you mean?  An African or European swallow?
+
+                              BRIDGEKEEPER
+      Er ...  I don't know that ... Aaaaarrrrrrggghhh!
+
+   BRIDGEKEEPER is cast into the gorge.
+
+                              BEDEVERE
+      How do you know so much about swollows?
+
+                              ARTHUR
+      Well you have to know these things when you're a king, you know.
+
   Suddenly they appear at water's edge.  They look across the water.  A huge
   expanse disappearing into the mist.  How can they cross?

   Suddenly the air is filled with ethereal music, and out of the mist
   appears a wonderful barge silently and slowly drifting towards them.

   They gaze in wonder.  The mysterious boat comes to where they are standing.
   As if bewitched, they find themselves drawing closer
|   to the boat.  As they are about to step in, a ragged figure looks
|   up at them.
|
|                              BOATKEEPER
|          (he is the same as the BRIDGEKEEPER and the SOOTHSAYER)
|      He who would cross the Sea if Fate
|      must answer me
|      these questions twenty-eight.
|
|   He fixes them with a baleful eye, ARTHUR and BEDEVERE exchange glances,
|   then turn, with minds made up, pick him up bodily and throw him in the
|   water.  They climb into the boat and the boat moves off into the mist
|
|   FADE OUT
|
|
|37 ANIMATION
|
|   A wondrous journey in animation carries them across the lake.
|
|   MIX TO


38 EXTERIOR - DAY

   The boat carries them across a magical lake.  They land and get out of
   the boat, their faces suffused with heavenly radiance, and fall to their
   knees.

   Crescendo on music.

                               ARTHUR
       God be praised!  The deaths of many find knights have this day
       been avenged.

   Music swells.  They bend their heads in prayer, before the castle for
   which they have searched for so long.  Suddenly a voice comes from
   the battlements.

   Music cuts dead.

                               FROG
       Ha ha!  Hello!  Smelly English K...niggets ... and Monsieur Arthur
       King, who has the brain of a duck, you know.

   The KNIGHTS look up.

                               FROG
       We French persons outwit you a second time, perfidious English
       mousedropping hoarders ... how you say:  "Begorrah!"

   ARTHUR stands and shouts.

                               ARTHUR
       How dare you profane this place with your presence!  I command
       you, in the name of the Knights of Camelot, open the door to the
       Sacred Castle, to which God himself has guided us!
           (he turns to the KNIGHTS)
       Come.

   ARTHUR and the KNIGHTS advance towards the castle.

                               FROG
       How you English say:  I one more time, mac, I unclog my nose towards yo
u,
       sons of a window-dresser,  so, you think you could out-clever us French
       fellows with your silly knees-bent creeping about advancing
       behaviour.
           (blows a raspberry)
       I wave my private parts at your aunties, you brightly-coloured,
       mealy-templed, cranberry-smelling, electric donkey-bottom biters.

   By this time ARTHUR and BEDEVERE and GALAHAD have reached the door.
   ARTHUR bangs on the door.

                               ARTHUR
       In the name of the Lord, we demand entrance to this sacred
       castle.

   Jeering from the battlements.

                               FROG
       No chance, English bed-wetting types.  We burst our pimples at you,
       and call your door-opening request a silly thing. You tiny-brained
       wipers of other people's bottoms!

   French laughter

                               ARTHUR
       If you do not open these doors, we will take this castle by force ...

   A bucket of slops land on ARTHUR.  He tries to retain his dignity.

                               ARTHUR
       In the name of God ... and the glory of our ...

   Another bucket of what can only be described as human ordure hits ARTHUR.

       ... Right!
           (to the KNIGHTS)
       That settles it!

   They turn and walk away.  French jeering follows them.

                               FROG
       Yes, depart a lot at this time, and cut the approaching any more or
       we fire arrows into the tops of your heads and make castanets
       of your testicles already.

                               ARTHUR
           (to KNIGHTS)
       Walk away.  Just ignore them.

   ARTHUR, BEDEVERE and GALAHAD walk off.  A small hail of chickens,
   watercress,   badgers and mattresses follows them.  But they are on their
   dignity as they try to talk nonchalantly as they walk away into the trees.

                               FROG
       And now remain gone, illegitimate-faced bugger-folk!  And, if you think
       you got a nasty time this taunting, you ain't heard nothing yet, dappy
       k...niggets, and A. King Esquire.

|  CUT BACK TO the drenched BRIDGEKEEPER/SOOTHSAYER beside the lake He
|  rises up into SHOT.
|
|                              BRIDGEKEEPER
|      He would cross the sea of fate,
|      Must answer me these questions
|      Twenty-eight.
|
|  CUT TO see he is talking to two PLAIN-CLOTHES POLICEMEN and two
|  CONSTABLES.
|
|                              INSPECTOR
|      All right, put him in the van.
|
|  THE BRIDGEKEEPER is led away and put into a police van.
|
   CUT BACK TO ARTHUR still walking away.  French taunts still audible in
   the distance.

                               FRENCH
       You couldn't catch clap in a brothel, silly English K...niggets ...

                               ARTHUR
           (to BEDEVERE)
       We shall attack at once.

                               BEDEVERE
       Yes, my liege.
           (he turns)
       Stand by for attack!!

   CUT TO enormous army forming up.  Trebuchets, rows of PIKEMEN, siege
   towers, pennants flying, shouts of "Stand by for attack!"  Traditional
   army build-up shots.  The shouts echo across the ranks of the army.
   We see various groups reacting, and stirring themselves in readiness.

                               ARTHUR
       Who are they?

                               BEDEVERE
       Oh, just some friends!

   We end up back with ARTHUR.  He seems satisfied that the ARMY is ready.

   PANNING down the serried ranks, pikes ready, pennants flapping in the
   wind.  Some of the horses whinny nervously,  and rattle their coconuts.

   ARTHUR is satisfied at last.  He addresses the castle.

                               ARTHUR
       French persons!  Today the blood of many valiant knights shall
       bee avenged.  In the name of God, we shall not stop our fight
       until each one of you lies dead and the Grail returns to those
       whom God has chosen.

   ARTHUR lowers his visor, turns to have a last look at ARMY, then:

       CHARGE!

   The mighty ARMY charges.  Thundering noise of feet.  Clatter of coconuts.
   Shouts etc.

   The charge towards the castle.

   Suddenly there is a wail of a siren and a couple of police cars roar
   round in front of the charging ARMY and the POLICE leap out and stop
   them.  TWO POLICEMAN and the HISTORIAN'S WIFE.  Black Marias skid up
   behind them.

   The ARMY halts.
                               HISTORIAN'S WIFE
       They're the ones, I'm sure.

                               INSPECTOR END OF FILM
       Grab 'em!

   The POLICE grab ARTHUR and bundle him into the maria.

   SIR BEDEVERE is led off with a blanket over his head.  They are bundled
   into the black maria and the van drives off.

   The rest of the ARMY stand around looking at a loss.

                               INSPECTOR END OF FILM
           (picks up megaphone)
       All right!  Clear off!  Go on!

   A few reaction shots of the ARMY not quite sure what to do.

                               INSPECTOR END OF FILM
       Move along.  There's nothing to see!  Keep moving!

   Suddenly he notices the cameras.

   As the black maria drives away QUICK SHOT through window of all the
   KNIGHTS huddled inside.

                               INSPECTOR END OF FILM
           (to Camera)
       All right, put that away sonny.

   He walks over to it and puts his hand over the lens.

   The film runs out through the gate and the projector shines on the
   screen.

   There is a blank screen for some fifteen seconds.
|
|  Suddenly jazzy music.  Animated titles.  (A new film completely free
|  with the Monty Python film.)
|
|
|                         "THE CREDITS"
|
|  Four of five minute film (mainly animated) about the credits, i.e it
|  includes the actual credits for the film but is really elaborate.
|
|
|                          THE END
|
+
+  Slushy organ music starts and the houselights in the cinema come on ...
+  organ music continues as the audience leave.
+


------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
Cast list:


  GRAHAM CHAPMAN PLAYED:        KING ARTHUR. HICCOUGHING GUARD,
                                THREE-HEADED KNIGHT
  JOHN CLEESE PLAYED:           SECOND SOLDIER WITH A KEEN INTEREST IN BIRDS,
                                LARGE MAN WITH DEAD BODY, BLACK KNIGHT,
                                MR NEWT (A VILLAGE BLACKSMITH INTERESTED IN
                                BURNING WITCHES), A QUITE EXTRAORDINARILY
                                RUDE FRENCHMAN, TIM THE WIZARD, SIR LAUNCELOT

  TERRY GILLIAM PLAYED:         PATSY (ARTHUR'S TRUSTY STEED), THE GREEN
                                KNIGHT SOOTHSAYER, BRIDGEKEEPER, SIR GAWAIN
                                (THE FIRST TO BE KILLED BY THE RABBIT)

  ERIC IDLE PLAYED:             THE DEAD COLLECTOR, MR BINT (A VILLAGE NE'ER-D
O
                                -WELL VERY KEEN ON BURNING WITCHES), SIR ROBIN
,
                                THE GUARD WHO DOESN'T HICOUGH BUT TRIES TO GET
                                THINGS STRAIGHT, CONCORDE (SIR LAUNCELOT'S
                                TRUSTY STEED), ROGER THE SHRUBBER (A SHRUBBER)
,
                                BROTHER MAYNARD

  NEIL INNES PLAYED:            THE FIRST SELF-DESTRUCTIVE MONK, ROBIN'S LEAST
                                FAVORITE MINSTREL, THE PAGE CRUSHED BY A
                                RABBIT, THE OWNER OF A DUCK
  TERRY JONES PLAYED:           DENNIS'S MOTHER, SIR BEDEVERE, THREE-HEADED
                                KNIGHT, PRINCE HERBERT

  MICHAEL PALIN PLAYED:         1ST SOLDIER WITH A KEEN INTEREST IN BIRDS,
                                DENNIS, MR DUCK (A VILLAGE CARPENTER WHO IS
                                ALMOST KEENER THAN ANYONE ELSE TO BURN
                                WITCHES), THREE-HEADED KNIGHT, SIR GALAHAD,
                                KING OF SWAMP CASTLE, BROTHER MAYNARD'S
                                ROOMATE

  CONNIE BOOTH PLAYED:          THE WITCH

  CAROL CLEVELAND PLAYED:       ZOOT AND DINGO

  BEE DUFFELL PLAYED:           OLD CRONE TO WHOM KING ARTHUR SAID "NI!"

  JOHN YOUNG PLAYED:            THE DEAD BODY THAT CLAIMS IT ISN'T, AND THE
                                HISTORIAN WHO ISN'T A.J.P. TAYLOR AT ALL

  RITA DAVIES PLAYED:           THE HISTORIAN WHO ISN'T A.J.P. TAYLOR
                                (HONESTLY)'S WIFE

  SALLY KINGHORN PLAYED:        EITHER WINSTON OR PIGLET

  AVRIL STEWART PLAYED:         EITHER PIGLET OR WINSTON

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-
PYTHON (MONTY) PICTURES LTD
 Registered Address: 20 Fitzroy Square, London W1P6BB
 Registerd Number 1138069 England

                                                               August 5th, 197
4.
Dear Mike,

The Censor's representative, Tony Kerpel, came along to Friday's
screening at Twinkenham and he gave up his opinion of the film's
probale certificate.

He thinks the film will be AA, but it would be possible, given
some dialogue cuts, to make the film an A rating, which would
increase the audience.  (AA is 14 and over, and A is 5-14).

For an 'A' we would have to:

           Lose as may shits as possible

           Take Jesus Christ out, if possible

           Loose "I fart in your general direction"

           Lose "the oral sex"

           Lose "oh, fuck off"

           Lose "We make castanets out of your testicles"

I would like to get back to the Censor and agree to lose the
shits, take the odd Jesus Christ out and lose Oh fuck off, but
to retain 'fart in your general direction', 'castanets of your
testicles' and 'oral sex' and ask him for an 'A' rating on
that basis.

Please let me know as soon as possible your attitude to this.

Yours sincerely,

Mark Forstater

[This document is archived by Andrew Toppan (elmer@wpi.edu) and is 
available from http://www.wpi.edu/~elmer.  Last modified 11/30/94.]